memory2

this one is harder to write, it still makes me cry, and it is not as filled out with little descriptors as most of my stuff is so please forgive me.~~

My best friend is dead.
I found out this morning. I booted the old DSL up, looking out the window at the summer sun. I log onto myspace to see a message from a girl i only barely feel is a friend. she tells me that my best friend, and the first woman i have ever been in love with is dead.
Just like that my day shatters.

I spend two weeks curled into a ball in my bed wishing i was dead with her.

No one grants my wish.
not yet

music playing loud in my ears in the back of the car. eyes rolled up in teenage disgust at being in the car with my dad and some chick he wants to fuck. I am an empty shell, rattling around inside myself. every forth thought is wishing i was dead.

the sun is just starting to go down as we pull into this stupid little backwater town.
A carnival, the last one i went to was with her. I dont want to be here. I'm walking with Dianna 60in cash in my pocket.
I hate it, I miss her, I wish i was dead
shes drunk
dear goddess she is drunk

I see him
tall
black hair
blue eyes
he is beautiful
he is poison
our eyes meet, and i see it. the over whelming urge to hurt something
I want to be hurt

his forehead says Danger, predator in big red letters
mine says death wish

we talk
we flirt
I wish i was dead
he sees it in my eyes, and he smiles
but the smile is not a let me help you feel better smile, it is a let me help you die smile
I give him my number

he's going to hurt me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

we have a tall bed, a "captains bed" the ones with the dressers under it.
I'm sitting on the edge of it naked waiting for him.
he comes in, kisses me, kisses my lips my face my neck my breasts. he lays me down.
hes not hard, not really, but he pushes the tip into me
I know whats coming and put my hands behind my head close my eyes and wait.
~slap~ the back of his hand slaps into my chest
~slap~ and the other side
over and over he hits the outside of my tits, and with every slap his cock twitches, getting harder and harder. by the time hes hard my tits are a solid mass of black and purple but i'm so wet i can feel it dripping down my legs. he grabs my tits and uses them as grips. pulling me onto him. fucking me. his hands reach up and his fingers wrap around my neck. I cant breath, i start to see spots, i tap his shoulder, not for air, I dont have a safe word, but i tap asking without a voice if i can cum
he says yes
i cum, my mind shattering, everything going dark
I come too and hes still fucking me, he didnt care i passed out, he close, and i can feel that it will be his second so i know how long i've been out, almost 20 min, he slaps me, hard, it splits my lip, i lick the blood up and whisper thank you my love
he cums, and he bites me. sinking his teeth into the top of my tit until they almost touch, blood on his lips when he looks up. he kisses me pushing my blood into my mouth.

we sleep, i'm curled up around his back, dependent on him, because without his pain, i want to die again, as soon as he leaves i can think, and when i think i remember, I remember her, and i wish i was dead