So I hear men say all the time "I wish I had a bigger dick" no you dont, most of you just wish you had a better idea of what to do with the one you have.
so let me share with you a rather personal little back story.
I was young, I cant tell you how young but I think you will get an idea.
I spent more time with boys as a kid than girls, and most of it was that i had no interest in dolls or things like that, I was that hissing wild cat child that you almost couldn't tell was a girl running around with a small pack of mud covered boys.
As I got older, and developed "identifying body features" I got a reputation for being easy. I also got the reputation for being a bitch. Now how you can get called easy when you turn down more guys than you fuck I dont know.
I had more female friends now, not a lot, but some. but my best friends were always male. and I had a habit of sleeping with my closest guy friends. then we come to this. I had a guy friend, he was cute, tall, smart, strong, got good grades, and had every girl in school drooling, but couldn't seem to keep a girlfriend. He broke down and told me 4 girls in a row had dumped him, because they said he was just too big. he had even hurt one girl, I don't think badly but it almost shattered him. He thought he was a freak, and hated himself. he had even had an older woman tell him it was to big and she didn't want anything to do with it.
I wanted to make him feel better, i wanted to give him back some piece of himself that was gone. so we got drunk one night after school and i started to come on to him, hard, teasing him, sitting in his lap, wiggling my hips until i could feel what felt like a soda can in his pants. At my look of shock he almost started to cry. He told me about everything all the girls, all the rejection, everything.
what else could I do. I kissed him, told him I wasn't scared, took his hand and headed for an empty bedroom.
he was as big around as my wrist and 9 in long. I was terrified but i didn't let him see that. I took it slow, showed him everything i had learned about how to make a girl wet and ready, every trick i had i showed him. Then I made myself take all of it, and it hurt, I got rips, and I have a nifty scar from it, but to see his eyes light up was worth it. The moment he saw the blood he wanted to stop, but i didn't let him, i told him just keep going. I would not be another girl to add pain to his life. and oh goddess was it worth it, to see his face in that moment when I started to enjoy it, when that huge full feeling started to feel good was one of the best moments of his life.
I love the big boys, and you know what for all your big talk, most of you know how he felt, and most of you have a soft spot for the first girl who really wanted and enjoyed you
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I kinda suck
This is not just a cry for "pet me and tell me i'm ok" this is a warning too... I fail at talking to people
I have realized that when I am "up front" with people about how much I suck they think I'm kidding, or worse they think they can "fix" me. lets get this straight, I SUCK, I suck ass at starting a conversation, I suck at showing when I care, and most of all I suck at dealing with people that I care about. the only time I'm good with people is if I'm trying to "sell" them something. I work a good con, I can talk dam near anyone into dam near anything. I work really hard not to con the people I love, but then I dont know how to act.
I'm such a bold face, and such a loud personality that people dont notice how quiet I am when I'm not on "stage". It leads to a habit of ending up with people who take advantage of me. I am so desperate for someone to really see me that i fall in love with men who are just really good at playing the same game I play.
If I flirt with you, I may text you everyday, but normally it will be after you text me first.
If I want to fuck you, and I think you want to fuck me, I might text you first 3 or so times a week, and it will almost always look like this "sup sexy" or "hey you, whats up"
If I date you, I will text you first like once a week, but I will think about you all the time, and I will always have little gifts for you, or will always want you to come over.
I always feel like I'm bothering people when I text or message them, so i almost never do. I went a long time with no phone so sometimes I forget that it works 2 ways. I forget that I can reach out with it. and I forget that people might want to hear from me as bad as I want to hear from them. (see i suck)
I will poke you on facebook, I'll like your pictures, but I have the hardest time opening chat and messaging you.
I'll tell you I hate to cuddle.I dont hate to cuddle, I just know how to do it. I've honest to Goddess never cuddled if it wasn't leading to sex or sleep.
If I text you at midnight its cuz I'm depressed and I want someone to come hold my hand. and if I have texted you at midnight and asked you to come over, no matter how much "joke" I put into it, it was/is my last grasp at something normal, something not drunk, not depressed, and not slowly going fucking crazy. and I can never explain to you how hard it was to pick up and text those few simple words.
"hey wanna come hangout? I can't sleep" really means "help me remember what it feels like to be human, I need to feel skin before I lose my mind"
and if i text you and really say that i need you "i could really use some company, its been a hard day" thats a huge SOS message, and the prof that you are on the inner circle of my friends, and that you are someone that I trust, truly trust.
I have realized that when I am "up front" with people about how much I suck they think I'm kidding, or worse they think they can "fix" me. lets get this straight, I SUCK, I suck ass at starting a conversation, I suck at showing when I care, and most of all I suck at dealing with people that I care about. the only time I'm good with people is if I'm trying to "sell" them something. I work a good con, I can talk dam near anyone into dam near anything. I work really hard not to con the people I love, but then I dont know how to act.
I'm such a bold face, and such a loud personality that people dont notice how quiet I am when I'm not on "stage". It leads to a habit of ending up with people who take advantage of me. I am so desperate for someone to really see me that i fall in love with men who are just really good at playing the same game I play.
If I flirt with you, I may text you everyday, but normally it will be after you text me first.
If I want to fuck you, and I think you want to fuck me, I might text you first 3 or so times a week, and it will almost always look like this "sup sexy" or "hey you, whats up"
If I date you, I will text you first like once a week, but I will think about you all the time, and I will always have little gifts for you, or will always want you to come over.
I always feel like I'm bothering people when I text or message them, so i almost never do. I went a long time with no phone so sometimes I forget that it works 2 ways. I forget that I can reach out with it. and I forget that people might want to hear from me as bad as I want to hear from them. (see i suck)
I will poke you on facebook, I'll like your pictures, but I have the hardest time opening chat and messaging you.
I'll tell you I hate to cuddle.I dont hate to cuddle, I just know how to do it. I've honest to Goddess never cuddled if it wasn't leading to sex or sleep.
If I text you at midnight its cuz I'm depressed and I want someone to come hold my hand. and if I have texted you at midnight and asked you to come over, no matter how much "joke" I put into it, it was/is my last grasp at something normal, something not drunk, not depressed, and not slowly going fucking crazy. and I can never explain to you how hard it was to pick up and text those few simple words.
"hey wanna come hangout? I can't sleep" really means "help me remember what it feels like to be human, I need to feel skin before I lose my mind"
and if i text you and really say that i need you "i could really use some company, its been a hard day" thats a huge SOS message, and the prof that you are on the inner circle of my friends, and that you are someone that I trust, truly trust.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Cold
I have been called cold and unloving by more than one ex, and it was starting to bother me.
I am not cold, and I am not unloving. I love deeply and with all of my heart. I also love quick, and without holding back. I am so starved for affection that i start to fall in love with the first person who shows a true desire to know me and care for me.
but I have been told so often that I am cold that I have started to believe it, So i have asked friends, and ex lovers, and sometimes lovers, and everything in between if they think I am cold.
this was the first answer I got
His_Pagan_Angel:
"You are not a cold person. You are not a heartless man eater devoid of all emotion. You burn when you feel upset or wronged by someone it just burns like dry ice. You are openly affectionate with those that you love. When you cook for someone, let them drink your pepsi, hug someone or sit close to them you are showing your affection. Your affection shows itself so slightly that if you don't know you that well you'll miss it and if someone doesn't care enough to really see that when you do these things you do it out of care and affection then they don't deserve you or really know how to love you. You are one of the most affectionate people I know, it's just not the norm of affection. Too long have you gone without physical affection that you no longer know how to give it really, that you feel more comfortable showing it in more domestic subtle ways. Which is why I love you. Which I why I will always love you. Which is why I know that you will find the person who sees what a beautiful, warm, caring person you truly are."
I'll tell you I hate to cuddle.I dont hate to cuddle, I just know how to do it. I've honest to Goddess never cuddled if it wasn't leading to sex or sleep.
I will tell you I HATE valentines day, that it is stupid, but the truth is i have never had a valentine, no one who wasn't not family has ever gotten me flowers or other valentines treats. my husband would take me to dinner but only because he felt like he had to.
now please if you think i'm cold please tell me, and tell me why
if you think i'm not tell me that too
I am not cold, and I am not unloving. I love deeply and with all of my heart. I also love quick, and without holding back. I am so starved for affection that i start to fall in love with the first person who shows a true desire to know me and care for me.
but I have been told so often that I am cold that I have started to believe it, So i have asked friends, and ex lovers, and sometimes lovers, and everything in between if they think I am cold.
this was the first answer I got
His_Pagan_Angel:
"You are not a cold person. You are not a heartless man eater devoid of all emotion. You burn when you feel upset or wronged by someone it just burns like dry ice. You are openly affectionate with those that you love. When you cook for someone, let them drink your pepsi, hug someone or sit close to them you are showing your affection. Your affection shows itself so slightly that if you don't know you that well you'll miss it and if someone doesn't care enough to really see that when you do these things you do it out of care and affection then they don't deserve you or really know how to love you. You are one of the most affectionate people I know, it's just not the norm of affection. Too long have you gone without physical affection that you no longer know how to give it really, that you feel more comfortable showing it in more domestic subtle ways. Which is why I love you. Which I why I will always love you. Which is why I know that you will find the person who sees what a beautiful, warm, caring person you truly are."
I'll tell you I hate to cuddle.I dont hate to cuddle, I just know how to do it. I've honest to Goddess never cuddled if it wasn't leading to sex or sleep.
I will tell you I HATE valentines day, that it is stupid, but the truth is i have never had a valentine, no one who wasn't not family has ever gotten me flowers or other valentines treats. my husband would take me to dinner but only because he felt like he had to.
now please if you think i'm cold please tell me, and tell me why
if you think i'm not tell me that too
Friday, April 25, 2014
Random 2
I saw this a few months ago and i really liked it, thought i should share it here for anyone who missed it
http://nessbow.com/2009/10/13/the-addams-family-the…
The Addams Family: The most well-adjusted family on television?
addams family, family, inspiration, romance
I was watching an interview today with the four remaining members of the original Addams Family. It was very entertaining, and I especially liked the comment made by John Astin (who played the original Gomez Addams) that at the time, the Addams Family were probably the best role models on television. When I thought about it, I realised that he was right. In the age of the Brady Bunch, the Beverly Hilbillies and Lost in Space, the Addams’ clan provided more positive family messages than most programs at the time. Don’t believe me? Read on…
Gomez and Morticia
Gomez and Morticia Addams have always been portrayed as a loving, romantic couple. They spend a great deal of time alone with one another, and aren’t afraid to show their affection in front of others. John Astin passed comment that Gomez and Morticia were the only couple on TV at the time who actually touched one another, and contrasts them with the tepid, polite partnership seen between Mike and Carol Brady. He remarks that “You can see how it would come to be that Gomez and Morticia would actually have children”, and that every other couple on TV at the time seemed to have found their children in the cabbage patch. Another positive thing about Gomez and Morticia’s relationship is that, while they often compete against one another, in fencing, chess and other persuits, they rarely keep score and never seem to argue with one another. Also, despite spending plenty of time together, Gomez and Morticia also have their own interests and hobbies that they indulge separately. Morticia loves gardening, music and the dark arts, whereas Gomez prefers reading, cigars and model trains. They respect one another’s space and show interest in eachother’s pursuits. Overall, the two senior Addams’ complement one another perfectly, and have a well-rounded, affectionate relationship that is neither tepid nor co-dependent.
Sibling rivalry?
While Wednesday and Pugsly do like to play pranks on one another, they generally get along quite well. They often help one another with projects and work well together. Although Wednesday is often seen to commit acts that could be dangerous to her brother’s life (such as strapping him into an electric chair or shooting an apple off his head with a bow and arrow), it would appear that she does these things out of curiosity, rather than a desire to harm Pugsly. The Addams siblings seem to view one another as accomplices, rather than rivals. This can be contrasted with the sharp rivalries and bitterness exhibited by the Brady siblings, particularly Jan and Marcia.
Extended family.
The Addams clan had two members of their extended family who shared their home: Uncle Fester and Grandmama. Each of these older relatives were usually treated with respect and kindness. The Addams’ children often go to Uncle Fester for advice and generally look up to him as a source of important information (such as knowledge about various explosives). Grandmama is the unofficial matriarch of the family, and is treated kindly and respectfully by all. This is quite different to the treatment of extended family members in other programs, who tend to be portrayed as doddering or irritating.
Treatment of house staff
The Addam’s had a butler, Lurch, who was always treated as though he was one of the family. He was often seen to participate in family activities, and appears to be a close friend and confidante of Gomez and Fester especially. The children were always kind to Lurch, and never forgot their manners when speaking to him. Lurch was always treated as a human being and friend rather than as hired help (although whether or not Lurch is human is debatable).
Pets
The family had a wide range of pets, all of whom were well cared for and greatly loved by all members of the family. Morticia took great pains to prepare meals for her carnivorous plant, Cleopatra, and Wednesday rarely let her spider, Homer, out of her sight. Pugsly also had an octopus named Aristotle and the family had a lion named Kitty Cat. Thing is a pet of Gomez’s from his childhood. This empathy for all creatures great and small (and slimy, and hairy) sends out a very positive message.
Just be yourself.
The overarching message that I draw from the Addams Family is that you should always be happy with who you are, and you should never tone down your own personality to please anybody else. The Addam’s were as weird and strange as they come, and yet, they were totally oblivious to this fact. They didn’t seem to care that none of their neighbours enjoyed playing with instruments of torture or traipsing through a swamp. Furthermore, they never persecuted any of their ‘normal’ guests for being different, but rather accepted them for who they were.
There are an awful lot of positive messages embedded within this classic program. Rather than sitting kids down in front of Dora the Explorer (who is always wandering around unsupervised) and In The Night Garden (who frankly act like they are all on crack), buy them a copy of the Addams family DVDs and sit down and enjoy them together without a speck of guilt.
http://nessbow.com/2009/10/13/the-addams-family-the…
The Addams Family: The most well-adjusted family on television?
addams family, family, inspiration, romance
I was watching an interview today with the four remaining members of the original Addams Family. It was very entertaining, and I especially liked the comment made by John Astin (who played the original Gomez Addams) that at the time, the Addams Family were probably the best role models on television. When I thought about it, I realised that he was right. In the age of the Brady Bunch, the Beverly Hilbillies and Lost in Space, the Addams’ clan provided more positive family messages than most programs at the time. Don’t believe me? Read on…
Gomez and Morticia
Gomez and Morticia Addams have always been portrayed as a loving, romantic couple. They spend a great deal of time alone with one another, and aren’t afraid to show their affection in front of others. John Astin passed comment that Gomez and Morticia were the only couple on TV at the time who actually touched one another, and contrasts them with the tepid, polite partnership seen between Mike and Carol Brady. He remarks that “You can see how it would come to be that Gomez and Morticia would actually have children”, and that every other couple on TV at the time seemed to have found their children in the cabbage patch. Another positive thing about Gomez and Morticia’s relationship is that, while they often compete against one another, in fencing, chess and other persuits, they rarely keep score and never seem to argue with one another. Also, despite spending plenty of time together, Gomez and Morticia also have their own interests and hobbies that they indulge separately. Morticia loves gardening, music and the dark arts, whereas Gomez prefers reading, cigars and model trains. They respect one another’s space and show interest in eachother’s pursuits. Overall, the two senior Addams’ complement one another perfectly, and have a well-rounded, affectionate relationship that is neither tepid nor co-dependent.
Sibling rivalry?
While Wednesday and Pugsly do like to play pranks on one another, they generally get along quite well. They often help one another with projects and work well together. Although Wednesday is often seen to commit acts that could be dangerous to her brother’s life (such as strapping him into an electric chair or shooting an apple off his head with a bow and arrow), it would appear that she does these things out of curiosity, rather than a desire to harm Pugsly. The Addams siblings seem to view one another as accomplices, rather than rivals. This can be contrasted with the sharp rivalries and bitterness exhibited by the Brady siblings, particularly Jan and Marcia.
Extended family.
The Addams clan had two members of their extended family who shared their home: Uncle Fester and Grandmama. Each of these older relatives were usually treated with respect and kindness. The Addams’ children often go to Uncle Fester for advice and generally look up to him as a source of important information (such as knowledge about various explosives). Grandmama is the unofficial matriarch of the family, and is treated kindly and respectfully by all. This is quite different to the treatment of extended family members in other programs, who tend to be portrayed as doddering or irritating.
Treatment of house staff
The Addam’s had a butler, Lurch, who was always treated as though he was one of the family. He was often seen to participate in family activities, and appears to be a close friend and confidante of Gomez and Fester especially. The children were always kind to Lurch, and never forgot their manners when speaking to him. Lurch was always treated as a human being and friend rather than as hired help (although whether or not Lurch is human is debatable).
Pets
The family had a wide range of pets, all of whom were well cared for and greatly loved by all members of the family. Morticia took great pains to prepare meals for her carnivorous plant, Cleopatra, and Wednesday rarely let her spider, Homer, out of her sight. Pugsly also had an octopus named Aristotle and the family had a lion named Kitty Cat. Thing is a pet of Gomez’s from his childhood. This empathy for all creatures great and small (and slimy, and hairy) sends out a very positive message.
Just be yourself.
The overarching message that I draw from the Addams Family is that you should always be happy with who you are, and you should never tone down your own personality to please anybody else. The Addam’s were as weird and strange as they come, and yet, they were totally oblivious to this fact. They didn’t seem to care that none of their neighbours enjoyed playing with instruments of torture or traipsing through a swamp. Furthermore, they never persecuted any of their ‘normal’ guests for being different, but rather accepted them for who they were.
There are an awful lot of positive messages embedded within this classic program. Rather than sitting kids down in front of Dora the Explorer (who is always wandering around unsupervised) and In The Night Garden (who frankly act like they are all on crack), buy them a copy of the Addams family DVDs and sit down and enjoy them together without a speck of guilt.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Dance
my heart dancing fast, a throb of drums, a clash of cymbals. the beat something foreign, fast paced and intoxicating. bringing to mind the heat of a desert sun and the smell of spices.
My heart dances a fast spinning dance, moving faster an faster. A whirling fire dance of exotic dreams and fired love. a dance that burns the ground below it.
Exotic
Fire
my poor mind races, stumbling, unable to keep up. tripping over the beat, burning in the desert sun and choking on the spices. it can not join the dance.
slower still my mouth, unable to find the words that sing to the song that lends itself to the dance. my mouth and my mind can not hold the beat, can not join the dance.
but still my hands clap to the beat, my feet move to a song the world cannot even hear.
and the beat that moves me, that makes my body sing, that beat is you.
My heart dances a fast spinning dance, moving faster an faster. A whirling fire dance of exotic dreams and fired love. a dance that burns the ground below it.
Exotic
Fire
my poor mind races, stumbling, unable to keep up. tripping over the beat, burning in the desert sun and choking on the spices. it can not join the dance.
slower still my mouth, unable to find the words that sing to the song that lends itself to the dance. my mouth and my mind can not hold the beat, can not join the dance.
but still my hands clap to the beat, my feet move to a song the world cannot even hear.
and the beat that moves me, that makes my body sing, that beat is you.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
a glimpse into my day
I wake up to my roommate slipping into my room with "our" (really her, but you'll see) new baby. I nod and say ya I'm awake and she lays Ria in my arms and leaves, on her way to work. I hear the other kids get ready for school and out the door they go. only then do I get up. I take my phone, my pillow, some days I take my fuzzy, the baby, and anything else that sounds good and go into my roommates room (her TV has cable) I pick a show and settle in for the morning.
this is all by 9am
I make a bottle, and if Ria is sleeping well, do some cleaning or cooking, if she is sleeping like the dead and I'm not broke we walk to the store and get some exercise.
I feed me, feed her, feed the animals (of which we have LOTS) and get a lunch ready for her mom
I watch some TV, I cuddle with the newborn/one month old baby
and I text, or at least I return texts (there will be more about that in a later post)
Fridays are my favorite, I get paid, and for the last few weeks its been a supernatural marathon day.
1pm
then J comes home for her lunch and feeds the baby, I get her lunch and a drink, we talk and laugh and she goes back to work
2pm ish
as the baby sleeps I plan dinner, watch TV, and by now I have gone and gotten my laptop so that I can look something up
4pm ish
the kids come home, we talk (in a whisper) about homework, how was school, and what I need them to do in the house before they can get on the ps3
530pm ish
J comes home, I make dinner, and we laugh and talk like a family. we watch TV together and make fun of it, or we put on odd songs and dance in the kitchen
in fact we did the dancing bit tonight :D
Its a good life
I work weekends, but my weekdays are spent loving on and being loved by a family
this is all by 9am
I make a bottle, and if Ria is sleeping well, do some cleaning or cooking, if she is sleeping like the dead and I'm not broke we walk to the store and get some exercise.
I feed me, feed her, feed the animals (of which we have LOTS) and get a lunch ready for her mom
I watch some TV, I cuddle with the newborn/one month old baby
and I text, or at least I return texts (there will be more about that in a later post)
Fridays are my favorite, I get paid, and for the last few weeks its been a supernatural marathon day.
1pm
then J comes home for her lunch and feeds the baby, I get her lunch and a drink, we talk and laugh and she goes back to work
2pm ish
as the baby sleeps I plan dinner, watch TV, and by now I have gone and gotten my laptop so that I can look something up
4pm ish
the kids come home, we talk (in a whisper) about homework, how was school, and what I need them to do in the house before they can get on the ps3
530pm ish
J comes home, I make dinner, and we laugh and talk like a family. we watch TV together and make fun of it, or we put on odd songs and dance in the kitchen
in fact we did the dancing bit tonight :D
Its a good life
I work weekends, but my weekdays are spent loving on and being loved by a family
Poem 4
I want to fall in love,
I dont want to learn to love you,
I want love like fire burning me up
I want to fall in love,
I dont want to teach myself to you love you,
I want a love like poison eating me alive
I want to fall in love,
I dont want to sit and talk myself in to loving you,
I want a love that overwhelms me
I want to fall in love,
I dont want to love you because I think I should,
I want to love even though I know I should not.
I want to fall in love
I dont want to love because you are good for me,
I want a love like an addiction
I want to fall
I want to fall
I want to fall in love
Love like fire
Love like poison
Love like lightning
Love like a drug
I want to fall in love like Cleopatra and Mark Antony
I want to fall in love like Lancelot and Guinevere
I want to fall in love like Tristan and Isolde
I want to fall in love like Paris and Helena
I want to fall in love like Napoleon and Josephine
A love that burns the world
I dont want to learn to love you,
I want love like fire burning me up
I want to fall in love,
I dont want to teach myself to you love you,
I want a love like poison eating me alive
I want to fall in love,
I dont want to sit and talk myself in to loving you,
I want a love that overwhelms me
I want to fall in love,
I dont want to love you because I think I should,
I want to love even though I know I should not.
I want to fall in love
I dont want to love because you are good for me,
I want a love like an addiction
I want to fall
I want to fall
I want to fall in love
Love like fire
Love like poison
Love like lightning
Love like a drug
I want to fall in love like Cleopatra and Mark Antony
I want to fall in love like Lancelot and Guinevere
I want to fall in love like Tristan and Isolde
I want to fall in love like Paris and Helena
I want to fall in love like Napoleon and Josephine
A love that burns the world
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