I kinda suck

This is not just a cry for "pet me and tell me i'm ok" this is a warning too... I fail at talking to people

I have realized that when I am "up front" with people about how much I suck they think I'm kidding, or worse they think they can "fix" me. lets get this straight, I SUCK, I suck ass at starting a conversation, I suck at showing when I care, and most of all I suck at dealing with people that I care about. the only time I'm good with people is if I'm trying to "sell" them something. I work a good con, I can talk dam near anyone into dam near anything. I work really hard not to con the people I love, but then I dont know how to act.
I'm such a bold face, and such a loud personality that people dont notice how quiet I am when I'm not on "stage". It leads to a habit of ending up with people who take advantage of me. I am so desperate for someone to really see me that i fall in love with men who are just really good at playing the same game I play.

If I flirt with you, I may text you everyday, but normally it will be after you text me first.
If I want to fuck you, and I think you want to fuck me, I might text you first 3 or so times a week, and it will almost always look like this "sup sexy" or "hey you, whats up"
If I date you, I will text you first like once a week, but I will think about you all the time, and I will always have little gifts for you, or will always want you to come over.

I always feel like I'm bothering people when I text or message them, so i almost never do. I went a long time with no phone so sometimes I forget that it works 2 ways. I forget that I can reach out with it. and I forget that people might want to hear from me as bad as I want to hear from them. (see i suck)

I will poke you on facebook, I'll like your pictures, but I have the hardest time opening chat and messaging you.

I'll tell you I hate to cuddle.I dont hate to cuddle, I just know how to do it. I've honest to Goddess never cuddled if it wasn't leading to sex or sleep.

If I text you at midnight its cuz I'm depressed and I want someone to come hold my hand. and if I have texted you at midnight and asked you to come over, no matter how much "joke" I put into it, it was/is my last grasp at something normal, something not drunk, not depressed, and not slowly going fucking crazy. and I can never explain to you how hard it was to pick up and text those few simple words.

"hey wanna come hangout? I can't sleep" really means "help me remember what it feels like to be human, I need to feel skin before I lose my mind"
and if i text you and really say that i need you "i could really use some company, its been a hard day" thats a huge SOS message, and the prof that you are on the inner circle of my friends, and that you are someone that I trust, truly trust.