Malevolence

I should be in bed right now, I really should. I can feel my sleeping pills dragging at my brain. but am I getting ready for sleep.... nooo... not me, not sleep. Yes Yes I know I have work tomorrow, and I know that it will be a long painful day ( I have torn something in my right knee so it hurts to stand, walk, sit, anything right now and I need to be sleeping before I go do another 7 hour shift standing on my feet...) at work tomorrow. But I wouldn't dream of going to bed right now, because you see a very dear friend (that I don't talk to anywhere near often enough) is online. An if not for him, I would not be on this blog. If it were not for him I would not be on Fetlife. I would not have met all the amazing people I call family and friends right now.

I guess you could say he is the godfather of my happy place. all I know is that he is an amazing guy who even though he has never met me in person cares about me. He has never held my hand but he is still one of my closest friends. He is one of the few men I could see myself really submitting to.

It is one of the cruel twists of the Internet, it can show you so much more about the world, but it can also show you your hearts desire in an unobtainable location. I fell in love with a picture, and a "flavor" of writing, I fell in love with a grainy video chat image and a chat room just for us. He is a good man, and a very good Dom. He is not my Dom but that is only a matter of location.

so this friend is online, and he is telling me about the new rope he got (its pink) and about his girl ( she is sweet, and good to him), and it takes most of my self control not to call him sir in message.

he might read this, and I'm sure when/if he reads this I'm going to get a cyber smack on my ass... not sure I care. its worth it to talk to him :)

~small sleepy smile~
 and if this reads like a bunch of fragmented thoughts go back to the part about sleeping pills and reread that...

Poem 1

Fairy Tale

siting,
waiting,
hoping,
like some girl in a fairytale.
like some princess in a tower,
when did i get so weak,
so small and insecure.
hiding from my light....

I lean out my window,
like a mixed up Rapunzel.
yet i have no hair to hang down,
so how will my prince get up.

wait are there any princes left??
any knights in shining armor,
trying to save the day.
I don't think so.

so i lay here,
in this glass coffin.
That you all so lovingly made for me,
to "keep me safe" you say.
SAFE there is no such thing,
no safe just dead.
Is that why you picked a coffin??

ha let me have my apples,
and then if i die lock me away.
let me dance under the moonlight,
with hair cut off and legs unbound.

let put on my "fake wings",
and try to fly to the sun.
I am not the wicked sister,
do not punish me with your blindness.

Knotted in my hair...short as it is,
I feel you.
Pacing the bottom of my "tower",
May I ask what you hunt??

Thorn studded,
As the roses grow to hide my castle.
Dripping with regret... do you even know that feeling??
As your face ignites within me the memories...

Memories of a me with hope and heart,
memories of faith,
Faith in love,
Faith in you and I....

Of dreams sold to God,
Dreams of you and I,
I think of you,
You burning in the dark,
I remember that there is no love without fire

Fighting all,
All forms of love and Religion
A borderline oasis,
dripping it's safety onto us,
A pearl blushed blasphemy,
as much as love can ever be.

we are just one fall away from grace,
I will whisper secrets from these years
of romances... mine and yours
yours and hers....
it’s still the same.
(a total disgrace)

Am i now snow White,
the light played tricks on the apple in your Hands.
Warmed through by your fingers,
Razor white and poisoned...
As crisp and sharp as cheap champagne Drunk from the bottle by the river.
At midnight...

Midnight, when everything seemed real,
I believed I couldn’t love you.
Do you remember how we lay on that jeweled velvet blanket,
the one god calls life.
I turned to you and smiled,
One last sad smile
Said, "If it glitters, let it fly"
With our dear,
sweet wings,
we’re flying now...

one year

So part of the reason I stopped writing this was that about a year ago I got rapped.
I let a man into my house, into the apartment I was so proud of, and we fucked, we fucked for hours. and it was amazing right up until it wasn't.
we had been drinking, and playing video games, and having sex for almost 4 hours, and I wanted to go to bed. I was tired, and kinda done. He it turns out was not.

I've never really liked anal, My first "MASTER" used raw no lube anal to punish me, and it turned into a trigger, normal doggy style anal could give me a panic attack. I had worked on it for my ex husband as it was something he had really liked and it was  important to me to try to give him the things that made him happy but i never really liked it. it always hurt, even with LOTS of GOOD lube it hurt. And it is the only kind of sex I am unable to get off from. After my ex and I split up I decided that I didn't want to do it again and it is one of the first things i tell men i might be about to fuck "I'll do almost anything but NO ANAL" if they push and want it i tell them no and why no.

the why is because after fooling around for hours, I told him I was done and he said no, he wasn't. and if he wasn't I wasn't. he wanted anal. I said no. lots of bruises and marks and threats later there I was bent over on my bed in tears begging him not to do this to me, that I would do anything if he would just not do this. no luck. it hurt, he damaged me, inside and out on my body and also in my mind. but the worst part was him curling up in bed with my broken body and slapping me until I cuddled with him. Forcing me to kiss him and tell him goodnight. making me hold him, or let him hold me for 5 more hours. and every time I moved to get off the bed it woke him up, and that started the petting and pinching over again.

the next day I laid in bed in shock. I was running on autopilot. the day after that my friends made me go to the cops. honestly I didnt want to, I wanted to just curl up and sleep until my brain stopped.
but ya cops. they found him, the arrested him, but the DA said we would never get a jury to convict. not here in Nevada.
I started having nightmares, then Panic attacks.
I went to a DR. yep I have PTSD. I panic, and I freak out. my brain is not always a happy place.
Anal and anything anal related is now a trigger for me.

and i have the hardest time kissing people. being pinned down and kissed makes me feel like i'm going to puke and it sucks.

there are a few people who seem to be able to slip pass that. I wont put their names here for their sake. but they know who they are.

So ya... one of the reasons I didn't post for almost a year

More lost blogs

So Its October and I have to say wow, time sure can fly. In one of my last posts I was talking about taking a spin through being Sub again, it didn't work so well. I'm not really all that submissive, I mean dont get me wrong I love to bottom. I love spankings and having my hair pulled, I love dominance games and I love rough play. the hard part is that just because you got to be my Dom on Monday has nothing to do with you being my Dom on Wednesday, at first I thought it was just that I was a brat, and just not meant to really "behave". Yet the more I explored into my fetishes the more I realized that the thought of being someones sub, there slave was distasteful to me.
I became part of a "pack" (a fetish family grouping that is set to resemble a pack of wolves) and thats when it clicked. I'm not a sub or a slave. I am a wolf, a primal player. I love the games (and the bite marks) that come from playing as a wolf. I like Dom men, and I like playing with Dom men, but I like them to be like "SUPER DOM" or at least be ALPHA to me.

I dont take orders well, but I really do like to please... go figure

Pretentious little Prat ~ a new about me

So I went and re read my blog, from the top.
and good fucking goddess I sound like a twit.
but my divorce did a number on me and I was at this off place of wanting a man in my life and hating men.
I dont hate men, ~wicked little smile~ no I dont hate men at all.

I started this blog to help me be a better Domme, but I think I'm going to try to use it to help me be a better person. Because ya, I need to be a better person.

I don't really care if I get lots of readers, because in the end this isn't for you (who ever you are) this is for me. this is so that I can look at myself and know when i'm being a pain, and when i'm being a twit or a prat (or even a cabbage head)

I think I might ramble on here. post bits of my poems, things about my day, random bits of writing. and rants, lets not forget rants.

I'll post some old stuff (things that if you followed me over from fetlife you have already read) and i will post new stuff.

I'll even try to post from my phone

So here is hoping I can do it, that I can share like that... and that I can remember where I put this fucking thing

The Lost

I'm lost
so lost

This Darkness overwhelming
a gaping empty void
echos bouncing
the laughter of a hundred empty nights
all resounding in my head
I search
Just for a glimpse
a spark
Something to show me the way
then
in the darkness
his eyes
like silver fire
making me feel secrets I haven't felt in years
A desire
Powerful in its "weakness"
overwhelming in its "simplicity"
Controlling in its "submission"

Yet I am lost
what do i do
my heart screams
"bend to him"
but my fears tell me
"we've been hurt before"
I trust him
but fear holds me back
"we can not be hurt again"

but he fills my mind
and for the first time in years the "ugliness" is silent
no hurtful hateful things creep up from my own twisted demons
for that alone i would bow to him
for this sense of self peace i would follow him into fire
yet fear holds me back
so even as my heart and body yearn for him
for this
my fear whispers things
that this is all a game
that the things i see in his face
that i read in his texts
that i feel under his hands
are all a bad joke

I desire to serve
to have a One
one i can Look to
one i can Serve
but i am lost...

The Lost Blogs

So hi every one, Sorry for the long non post. but here are some of the blogs I did after I first moved in, before the internet got turned on. I had just saved them to my computer and never posted them. I'm Calling them "The Lost Blogs"

(1-3-13)
Sorry for the long delay in posts guys, moving has been hell
So I'm in the new place. I spent my first night here new years eve. I went to the amazing new years party hosted by the local NLA. Did I mention it was amazing?? I woke up the next day texted my super buddy and asked him to come chill. He said he would as soon as I got my stuff in my place. So all that day I kicked ass and moved like a mad person to get all my stuff in. got most of it. on the 2nd I got the last of my stuff
in with the help of a super sweet local Sub boy. I got my "husband" to watch the baby while i moved, so I got to be the good guy. and the best part was the look on his face when my super buddy came over, I've
Never seen him move so fast, as if we were going to fuck right before his eyes lol. Oh and trust me we did fuck. on a sweet note he was my first kiss of the new year and it was oh so worth it. on a raunchy
note he was the first fuck of the year and hot dam my pussy still hurts. that boy is long, he about as wide as a 50cent pice and at least 9 in long if not 10. He pounded me in every way we would fit on my poor
little twin bed (insert plee for more new bed stuff here). I worked today, and on that note I have picked the coworker I've decided to fuck and its not the 2 I've already posted about, its a difrent one.
He's closer to my age and not married so ya I'm all about it. oh and guess who took me home tonight. same said coworker. so its only day 3 of this year and I got mine again... And tell you what I plan to keep getting mine

xoxo and happy newyears


(1-13-13)
My Shining one
Your eyes flash, Cat like, as the light from the tv bounces off them.
I can only blink as your shirt comes off breaking your gaze, powerless to look away.
Golden and tawny, your easy smile turned into a feral grin as you look at me cowering on the bed, all my power as a Domme gone before the force that is you, bending me to your will.
You pounce pinning me under you, your naked between gasps of air. skin so hot it almost burns. my poor purple panties are no match for this fire. you rip them aside and now i'm burning too.
you lap at me like a lion with its prey, all teeth and claws and snarls, until my panting matches my heart beat.
a lion, yes, my king of the jungle. am I your lioness or only prey.
your teeth snap me back to the here and now digging into my neck, as you glid in, deep so deep, pain and more all mixed into one.
your hands on my hips, fingers digging in, and words are gone, lost in the tide of moans and snarls, your name dancing over my lips again and again like a mantra, offered to the goddess. you growl at me, teeth sinking in around my nipple, eyes never leaving mine. flashing in the light. I see stars, I see you.
My Lion, My King, My beast

(1-29-13)
My Party, my amazing kinky party. My "happy birthday" "housewarming" "Happy Divorce" Party went amazing. I Have also decided to start "sub" retraining with a local Dom man here in town. I've been told that I'm not the best domme and the only way i can think of to fix that is to start all over, be a sub again, a switch again, and then a dom again. lets see how that works out. 
Party, oh yes, great friends, great times, oh and naked girl wrestling. I won lol.