one year

So part of the reason I stopped writing this was that about a year ago I got rapped.
I let a man into my house, into the apartment I was so proud of, and we fucked, we fucked for hours. and it was amazing right up until it wasn't.
we had been drinking, and playing video games, and having sex for almost 4 hours, and I wanted to go to bed. I was tired, and kinda done. He it turns out was not.

I've never really liked anal, My first "MASTER" used raw no lube anal to punish me, and it turned into a trigger, normal doggy style anal could give me a panic attack. I had worked on it for my ex husband as it was something he had really liked and it was  important to me to try to give him the things that made him happy but i never really liked it. it always hurt, even with LOTS of GOOD lube it hurt. And it is the only kind of sex I am unable to get off from. After my ex and I split up I decided that I didn't want to do it again and it is one of the first things i tell men i might be about to fuck "I'll do almost anything but NO ANAL" if they push and want it i tell them no and why no.

the why is because after fooling around for hours, I told him I was done and he said no, he wasn't. and if he wasn't I wasn't. he wanted anal. I said no. lots of bruises and marks and threats later there I was bent over on my bed in tears begging him not to do this to me, that I would do anything if he would just not do this. no luck. it hurt, he damaged me, inside and out on my body and also in my mind. but the worst part was him curling up in bed with my broken body and slapping me until I cuddled with him. Forcing me to kiss him and tell him goodnight. making me hold him, or let him hold me for 5 more hours. and every time I moved to get off the bed it woke him up, and that started the petting and pinching over again.

the next day I laid in bed in shock. I was running on autopilot. the day after that my friends made me go to the cops. honestly I didnt want to, I wanted to just curl up and sleep until my brain stopped.
but ya cops. they found him, the arrested him, but the DA said we would never get a jury to convict. not here in Nevada.
I started having nightmares, then Panic attacks.
I went to a DR. yep I have PTSD. I panic, and I freak out. my brain is not always a happy place.
Anal and anything anal related is now a trigger for me.

and i have the hardest time kissing people. being pinned down and kissed makes me feel like i'm going to puke and it sucks.

there are a few people who seem to be able to slip pass that. I wont put their names here for their sake. but they know who they are.

So ya... one of the reasons I didn't post for almost a year