this is my normal response and may not apply to you is you are super amazing, or are a really good friend, this is more geared to fuck buddy's and NSA sex
I like to tease and push, in sex I almost like to be the man, I want to get off and then be done with you. I want to tease you, tempt you, make you wait and beg, drive you crazy. then when I give in I want you to know that even if you are the Dom you are my piece of ass, my booty call, not the other way around!!
As early as high school, this was how I thought. I am never a booty call, sex is my power and I wield it like a whip or a knife. I love to keep "Dom" men jumping at the end of my string, making them crazy for me, even if i don't want to fuck them. not a very nice thing to do I'm sure but the more real Dom men in my life don't let me do that so it helps me weed out the "wannaDoms" or the men that wont be as much fun.
le sigh
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Erotic Short 2
The heat enfolds you, your mouth is dry and the road has been long, but finally you are here. You walk up the white marble stairs to the door, excitement running through your body. As your feet hit the last step the doors are opened by to lovely blond women dressed in short white almost toga looking dresses. They bow showing you into the palace, voices sweet as they say “Welcome my Lord”. You walk in, the cool air of the shadows enveloping you the sound of splashing water and the giggles of women mixing in the air. One of the first women smiles at you her eyes lowered with respect. She asks you to follow her. Your steps ring in these halls the stone floors catching the light of the lamps making the marble seem to glow. She leads you to a door which also opens right before you get to it. You step inside the room smelling the faint trace of roses and vanilla. It is a stunning room rich in silks and pillows. A regal woman sits at a small table in the center of the room. She smiles at you, her long red hair pulled over her shoulder bound with silver cord. “Come sit with me, have a drink; we have been waiting for you”. You sit relaxing into the chair as a slave girl brings you a goblet of chilled sweet wine.
The woman smiles at you a deep sexy inviting smile, but you have been there before and no new lust rises in your body. She looks at you knowing you’re not one for games. “I called you because I have something that might interest you. We have a new girl fresh caught and still a bit wild. I thought you would like to see if she is to your tastes.” You nod anything to pass the time, finishing your wine in one last gulp. She stands and you stand to follow her. Moving back farther down the halls you gaze out the windows into the courtyard seeing some 30 or so women playing in a fountain or lounging in the soft grass the sight of the water drops shining on their skin almost stirs a lust in you. The Lady opens a door and takes you down a flight of steps to a lower level the air is cold and smells almost of dust she leads you to the end of the hall and to a large iron door. She turns to you with a look of disgust “we have her chained in the middle of the room. Be careful she bites.”
She unlocks the door and you step inside “we had her with the rest of the girls but then she attacked one of them and almost damaged her so we had to put her in here. Then after we put her in here she bit one of my older girls so we had to chain her”. You look around the room, the walls are of cold stone as is the floor but there is a table and chair on one wall, a rather nice looking bed on the other and there in the center of the room is a woman her arms pulled tight chained above her. Her head had fallen as far forward as it can fall, her feet barley touching the ground. Her hair is short, the shortest you have ever seen on a woman in this place and a deep dark red. Dust and dirt smear her ivory skin. Her body is young, her hips and breasts full and plump. Her nipples harden with the rush of cold air from the open door. She wakes her head snapping up to look around almost blinded by the light from the doorway. She blinks into the light fighting to see the Madam hisses at her almost cat like, she hasn’t seen you and you start to smile. The woman sneers “we had to almost shave her head to get rid of the dam barbarian braids she had. It has left her feeling rather spirited.”
You step forward into the room and the girl jerks finally seeing you in the darkness. You turn asking the woman when the last time the girl had been feed, when she tells you three or four days you have to hide your rage when you ask for the things you’re going to need. First off the key to the girls chains, a whip, buckets of warm water, a rag, soap, a tray of simple food. At the mention of food the girls’ eyes perk up. The woman leaves letting the door stay open for the light. You start to circle the girl taking a good look at her body seeing the strength in the legs and arms. Three slave girls come running into the room with the things you asked for. The first puts the covered tray on the table and places two lit lanterns in the room she then takes the key from a cord around her neck and hangs it on a nail next to the door. The next slave has four buckets of hot water on a pole over her shoulders and the whip you asked for wrapped around her neck. The last girl has two buckets of warm water and two empty buckets with soap a brush and a few old but clean rags. The girl is watching you carefully as all this moves around the room. You smile softly at her as the slaves leave closing the big door behind them.
You walk to the table and lift the lid on the food finding that skins of water juice and wine have been added as well. Lifting the one of water you walk over to the girl offering her a drink. She opens her mouth so you squirt about a half a mouth full of water into her mouth, that she promptly sprays right back into your face. Wiping your face off with your hand you walk over and grab the whip snapping it into the air to get the feel of it as she shivers and jerks at the sound. Walking behind her you bring the whip down on her back. Over and over you snap the whip down on her back, her chest, her sides watching as the bright red marks start to bloom on her skin. She jerks and twitches trying not to cry out at the pain her noises small. You stop seeing tears running down her face.
You lift one of the buckets of hot water splashing it down over her red skin. Then taking the rag you get it covered in soap and start to rub me down talking softly the whole time. You wash her back first soaping her softly over the marks your whip has left. Telling her that if she is a good girl you won’t have to hurt her anymore telling her that if she’s good you can make her feel very good make her very happy. You move down her back to rub the cloth over her ass getting it covered in soap you move up to her hands washing them and then down her arms. Getting her shoulders and under her arms working your way down her sides before moving to stand facing her. You smile at her as you reach forward to rub the cloth down her face and she jerks like a scared horse. You make little shh-ing noises and you start to wash her face showing amazing skin under all the dirt and crud. You wash down her neck and down over her breasts slowly rubbing the dirt away as her nipples start to get hard. You don’t show any sign that you see them just keep washing down over her belly.
When you get close to her mound you pull back and start to slowly lift one of her legs washing the foot slowly. Washing up her leg bit by bit not missing an inch until you move the rag almost to her mound again. You can feel her heat, her lust starting to grow under your hands. You stop setting that foot down and lifting the other she gives it a little tug as you grasp it as though feeling how strong your grip is. You look up at her and tug back at her leg, starting to wash that one all the way up. As you reach her upper thigh she arches pushing her mound out at you obviously aroused. You turn and rinse the rag out letting her sit in her need for a second. Then with hands and rag freshly soaped you start to rub the skin between her thighs up to her mound teasing her with every stroke. Then you stand grabing a bucket of water you toss it on her washing the suds away from the front of her body taking another bucket he washes the soap off her back. She shivers at the water gone cold.
You walk over to the table and the tray of food lifting the skin of water again you give her a drink, watching as she swallows. You grab the key from the hook by the door and see her eyes light up, thinking of freedom. You unlock the cuffs from the chain letting her drop to her feet. As soon as her feet touch the ground she tries to run only to find her legs unable to hold her weight, she crashes to her knees. You walk over to her grabbing her by the hair you slap her hard across the face knocking her out momentarily. You pick her up tossing her onto the bed. You unlock one of the cuffs treading the bit of chain through the top of the bed.
She lays there on her stomach eyes still shut. You run your hands down her body feeling how soft the skin is, how firm her body is. Running your hands over her plump ass starts to make you hard. You shackle her ankles to the foot of the bed holding her still and just where you want her. You walk over to the table and sink into the chair, lifting the whip you snap it bringing it down on her ass. She wakes with a yelp fighting to get free fighting the bonds. You smile taking a bite of the bread on the tray; your movements remind her that you are there. She looks at you fear in her eyes your handprint bright on her face. You stand bringing a bit of the bread with you. You kneel next to the bed offering it to her. She opens her mouth carefully. You place the bit of bread in her mouth carefully, jerking your fingers back as she tries to bite you. You stand moving back towards the foot of the bed. You sit next to her starting to spank her. Her ass is turning red under your hand, her body bucking as she starts to cry.
Finally silence as she goes limp. She is spent; her face is covered in tears. You are hard as stone as you slip your clothing off letting it pool on the floor next to the bed. You climb up behind her rubbing her glowing ass, letting your hand slip down to rub her soaking slit. Finding her body ready you lean forward pushing into her, driving your cock into her. She screams fighting the chains again as you start to fuck her. Her body fights it as you work yourself in and out of her over and over again. Then without warning her body betrays her clenching you tight in a sudden orgasm making her shake and twitch under you. Her clenching making you feel so much closer but it is the sound of her tears that drive you over the edge, shooting your cum deep into her body. You pull out of her, washing yourself off with some of the now cold water, moving over to the table again you eat a small bit of the food waiting for her to relax. You start to talk telling her about what her life is going to be like with you. How you will care for her as long as she is a good girl and slowly her tears stop and she starts to look at you again. You can see how she stares at your body now with lust in her eyes. You pick up another bit of food moving to give it to her letting her decide if she gets another spanking or not. Around you go with her till the small hours of the morning.
The next morning you walk out of the room with her trailing behind you. Her eyes are lowered. Her steps are small; she is quiet and well behaved. The woman stands at the door shocked at the change in the slave. From a wild and angry barbarian to a well behaved slave girl. This Man truly is a Master of rare form.
The woman smiles at you a deep sexy inviting smile, but you have been there before and no new lust rises in your body. She looks at you knowing you’re not one for games. “I called you because I have something that might interest you. We have a new girl fresh caught and still a bit wild. I thought you would like to see if she is to your tastes.” You nod anything to pass the time, finishing your wine in one last gulp. She stands and you stand to follow her. Moving back farther down the halls you gaze out the windows into the courtyard seeing some 30 or so women playing in a fountain or lounging in the soft grass the sight of the water drops shining on their skin almost stirs a lust in you. The Lady opens a door and takes you down a flight of steps to a lower level the air is cold and smells almost of dust she leads you to the end of the hall and to a large iron door. She turns to you with a look of disgust “we have her chained in the middle of the room. Be careful she bites.”
She unlocks the door and you step inside “we had her with the rest of the girls but then she attacked one of them and almost damaged her so we had to put her in here. Then after we put her in here she bit one of my older girls so we had to chain her”. You look around the room, the walls are of cold stone as is the floor but there is a table and chair on one wall, a rather nice looking bed on the other and there in the center of the room is a woman her arms pulled tight chained above her. Her head had fallen as far forward as it can fall, her feet barley touching the ground. Her hair is short, the shortest you have ever seen on a woman in this place and a deep dark red. Dust and dirt smear her ivory skin. Her body is young, her hips and breasts full and plump. Her nipples harden with the rush of cold air from the open door. She wakes her head snapping up to look around almost blinded by the light from the doorway. She blinks into the light fighting to see the Madam hisses at her almost cat like, she hasn’t seen you and you start to smile. The woman sneers “we had to almost shave her head to get rid of the dam barbarian braids she had. It has left her feeling rather spirited.”
You step forward into the room and the girl jerks finally seeing you in the darkness. You turn asking the woman when the last time the girl had been feed, when she tells you three or four days you have to hide your rage when you ask for the things you’re going to need. First off the key to the girls chains, a whip, buckets of warm water, a rag, soap, a tray of simple food. At the mention of food the girls’ eyes perk up. The woman leaves letting the door stay open for the light. You start to circle the girl taking a good look at her body seeing the strength in the legs and arms. Three slave girls come running into the room with the things you asked for. The first puts the covered tray on the table and places two lit lanterns in the room she then takes the key from a cord around her neck and hangs it on a nail next to the door. The next slave has four buckets of hot water on a pole over her shoulders and the whip you asked for wrapped around her neck. The last girl has two buckets of warm water and two empty buckets with soap a brush and a few old but clean rags. The girl is watching you carefully as all this moves around the room. You smile softly at her as the slaves leave closing the big door behind them.
You walk to the table and lift the lid on the food finding that skins of water juice and wine have been added as well. Lifting the one of water you walk over to the girl offering her a drink. She opens her mouth so you squirt about a half a mouth full of water into her mouth, that she promptly sprays right back into your face. Wiping your face off with your hand you walk over and grab the whip snapping it into the air to get the feel of it as she shivers and jerks at the sound. Walking behind her you bring the whip down on her back. Over and over you snap the whip down on her back, her chest, her sides watching as the bright red marks start to bloom on her skin. She jerks and twitches trying not to cry out at the pain her noises small. You stop seeing tears running down her face.
You lift one of the buckets of hot water splashing it down over her red skin. Then taking the rag you get it covered in soap and start to rub me down talking softly the whole time. You wash her back first soaping her softly over the marks your whip has left. Telling her that if she is a good girl you won’t have to hurt her anymore telling her that if she’s good you can make her feel very good make her very happy. You move down her back to rub the cloth over her ass getting it covered in soap you move up to her hands washing them and then down her arms. Getting her shoulders and under her arms working your way down her sides before moving to stand facing her. You smile at her as you reach forward to rub the cloth down her face and she jerks like a scared horse. You make little shh-ing noises and you start to wash her face showing amazing skin under all the dirt and crud. You wash down her neck and down over her breasts slowly rubbing the dirt away as her nipples start to get hard. You don’t show any sign that you see them just keep washing down over her belly.
When you get close to her mound you pull back and start to slowly lift one of her legs washing the foot slowly. Washing up her leg bit by bit not missing an inch until you move the rag almost to her mound again. You can feel her heat, her lust starting to grow under your hands. You stop setting that foot down and lifting the other she gives it a little tug as you grasp it as though feeling how strong your grip is. You look up at her and tug back at her leg, starting to wash that one all the way up. As you reach her upper thigh she arches pushing her mound out at you obviously aroused. You turn and rinse the rag out letting her sit in her need for a second. Then with hands and rag freshly soaped you start to rub the skin between her thighs up to her mound teasing her with every stroke. Then you stand grabing a bucket of water you toss it on her washing the suds away from the front of her body taking another bucket he washes the soap off her back. She shivers at the water gone cold.
You walk over to the table and the tray of food lifting the skin of water again you give her a drink, watching as she swallows. You grab the key from the hook by the door and see her eyes light up, thinking of freedom. You unlock the cuffs from the chain letting her drop to her feet. As soon as her feet touch the ground she tries to run only to find her legs unable to hold her weight, she crashes to her knees. You walk over to her grabbing her by the hair you slap her hard across the face knocking her out momentarily. You pick her up tossing her onto the bed. You unlock one of the cuffs treading the bit of chain through the top of the bed.
She lays there on her stomach eyes still shut. You run your hands down her body feeling how soft the skin is, how firm her body is. Running your hands over her plump ass starts to make you hard. You shackle her ankles to the foot of the bed holding her still and just where you want her. You walk over to the table and sink into the chair, lifting the whip you snap it bringing it down on her ass. She wakes with a yelp fighting to get free fighting the bonds. You smile taking a bite of the bread on the tray; your movements remind her that you are there. She looks at you fear in her eyes your handprint bright on her face. You stand bringing a bit of the bread with you. You kneel next to the bed offering it to her. She opens her mouth carefully. You place the bit of bread in her mouth carefully, jerking your fingers back as she tries to bite you. You stand moving back towards the foot of the bed. You sit next to her starting to spank her. Her ass is turning red under your hand, her body bucking as she starts to cry.
Finally silence as she goes limp. She is spent; her face is covered in tears. You are hard as stone as you slip your clothing off letting it pool on the floor next to the bed. You climb up behind her rubbing her glowing ass, letting your hand slip down to rub her soaking slit. Finding her body ready you lean forward pushing into her, driving your cock into her. She screams fighting the chains again as you start to fuck her. Her body fights it as you work yourself in and out of her over and over again. Then without warning her body betrays her clenching you tight in a sudden orgasm making her shake and twitch under you. Her clenching making you feel so much closer but it is the sound of her tears that drive you over the edge, shooting your cum deep into her body. You pull out of her, washing yourself off with some of the now cold water, moving over to the table again you eat a small bit of the food waiting for her to relax. You start to talk telling her about what her life is going to be like with you. How you will care for her as long as she is a good girl and slowly her tears stop and she starts to look at you again. You can see how she stares at your body now with lust in her eyes. You pick up another bit of food moving to give it to her letting her decide if she gets another spanking or not. Around you go with her till the small hours of the morning.
The next morning you walk out of the room with her trailing behind you. Her eyes are lowered. Her steps are small; she is quiet and well behaved. The woman stands at the door shocked at the change in the slave. From a wild and angry barbarian to a well behaved slave girl. This Man truly is a Master of rare form.
Malevolence
I should be in bed right now, I really should. I can feel my sleeping pills dragging at my brain. but am I getting ready for sleep.... nooo... not me, not sleep. Yes Yes I know I have work tomorrow, and I know that it will be a long painful day ( I have torn something in my right knee so it hurts to stand, walk, sit, anything right now and I need to be sleeping before I go do another 7 hour shift standing on my feet...) at work tomorrow. But I wouldn't dream of going to bed right now, because you see a very dear friend (that I don't talk to anywhere near often enough) is online. An if not for him, I would not be on this blog. If it were not for him I would not be on Fetlife. I would not have met all the amazing people I call family and friends right now.
I guess you could say he is the godfather of my happy place. all I know is that he is an amazing guy who even though he has never met me in person cares about me. He has never held my hand but he is still one of my closest friends. He is one of the few men I could see myself really submitting to.
It is one of the cruel twists of the Internet, it can show you so much more about the world, but it can also show you your hearts desire in an unobtainable location. I fell in love with a picture, and a "flavor" of writing, I fell in love with a grainy video chat image and a chat room just for us. He is a good man, and a very good Dom. He is not my Dom but that is only a matter of location.
so this friend is online, and he is telling me about the new rope he got (its pink) and about his girl ( she is sweet, and good to him), and it takes most of my self control not to call him sir in message.
he might read this, and I'm sure when/if he reads this I'm going to get a cyber smack on my ass... not sure I care. its worth it to talk to him :)
~small sleepy smile~
and if this reads like a bunch of fragmented thoughts go back to the part about sleeping pills and reread that...
I guess you could say he is the godfather of my happy place. all I know is that he is an amazing guy who even though he has never met me in person cares about me. He has never held my hand but he is still one of my closest friends. He is one of the few men I could see myself really submitting to.
It is one of the cruel twists of the Internet, it can show you so much more about the world, but it can also show you your hearts desire in an unobtainable location. I fell in love with a picture, and a "flavor" of writing, I fell in love with a grainy video chat image and a chat room just for us. He is a good man, and a very good Dom. He is not my Dom but that is only a matter of location.
so this friend is online, and he is telling me about the new rope he got (its pink) and about his girl ( she is sweet, and good to him), and it takes most of my self control not to call him sir in message.
he might read this, and I'm sure when/if he reads this I'm going to get a cyber smack on my ass... not sure I care. its worth it to talk to him :)
~small sleepy smile~
and if this reads like a bunch of fragmented thoughts go back to the part about sleeping pills and reread that...
Friday, April 11, 2014
Poem 1
Fairy Tale
siting,
waiting,
hoping,
like some girl in a fairytale.
like some princess in a tower,
when did i get so weak,
so small and insecure.
hiding from my light....
I lean out my window,
like a mixed up Rapunzel.
yet i have no hair to hang down,
so how will my prince get up.
wait are there any princes left??
any knights in shining armor,
trying to save the day.
I don't think so.
so i lay here,
in this glass coffin.
That you all so lovingly made for me,
to "keep me safe" you say.
SAFE there is no such thing,
no safe just dead.
Is that why you picked a coffin??
ha let me have my apples,
and then if i die lock me away.
let me dance under the moonlight,
with hair cut off and legs unbound.
let put on my "fake wings",
and try to fly to the sun.
I am not the wicked sister,
do not punish me with your blindness.
Knotted in my hair...short as it is,
I feel you.
Pacing the bottom of my "tower",
May I ask what you hunt??
Thorn studded,
As the roses grow to hide my castle.
Dripping with regret... do you even know that feeling??
As your face ignites within me the memories...
Memories of a me with hope and heart,
memories of faith,
Faith in love,
Faith in you and I....
Of dreams sold to God,
Dreams of you and I,
I think of you,
You burning in the dark,
I remember that there is no love without fire
Fighting all,
All forms of love and Religion
A borderline oasis,
dripping it's safety onto us,
A pearl blushed blasphemy,
as much as love can ever be.
we are just one fall away from grace,
I will whisper secrets from these years
of romances... mine and yours
yours and hers....
it’s still the same.
(a total disgrace)
Am i now snow White,
the light played tricks on the apple in your Hands.
Warmed through by your fingers,
Razor white and poisoned...
As crisp and sharp as cheap champagne Drunk from the bottle by the river.
At midnight...
Midnight, when everything seemed real,
I believed I couldn’t love you.
Do you remember how we lay on that jeweled velvet blanket,
the one god calls life.
I turned to you and smiled,
One last sad smile
Said, "If it glitters, let it fly"
With our dear,
sweet wings,
we’re flying now...
siting,
waiting,
hoping,
like some girl in a fairytale.
like some princess in a tower,
when did i get so weak,
so small and insecure.
hiding from my light....
I lean out my window,
like a mixed up Rapunzel.
yet i have no hair to hang down,
so how will my prince get up.
wait are there any princes left??
any knights in shining armor,
trying to save the day.
I don't think so.
so i lay here,
in this glass coffin.
That you all so lovingly made for me,
to "keep me safe" you say.
SAFE there is no such thing,
no safe just dead.
Is that why you picked a coffin??
ha let me have my apples,
and then if i die lock me away.
let me dance under the moonlight,
with hair cut off and legs unbound.
let put on my "fake wings",
and try to fly to the sun.
I am not the wicked sister,
do not punish me with your blindness.
Knotted in my hair...short as it is,
I feel you.
Pacing the bottom of my "tower",
May I ask what you hunt??
Thorn studded,
As the roses grow to hide my castle.
Dripping with regret... do you even know that feeling??
As your face ignites within me the memories...
Memories of a me with hope and heart,
memories of faith,
Faith in love,
Faith in you and I....
Of dreams sold to God,
Dreams of you and I,
I think of you,
You burning in the dark,
I remember that there is no love without fire
Fighting all,
All forms of love and Religion
A borderline oasis,
dripping it's safety onto us,
A pearl blushed blasphemy,
as much as love can ever be.
we are just one fall away from grace,
I will whisper secrets from these years
of romances... mine and yours
yours and hers....
it’s still the same.
(a total disgrace)
Am i now snow White,
the light played tricks on the apple in your Hands.
Warmed through by your fingers,
Razor white and poisoned...
As crisp and sharp as cheap champagne Drunk from the bottle by the river.
At midnight...
Midnight, when everything seemed real,
I believed I couldn’t love you.
Do you remember how we lay on that jeweled velvet blanket,
the one god calls life.
I turned to you and smiled,
One last sad smile
Said, "If it glitters, let it fly"
With our dear,
sweet wings,
we’re flying now...
Thursday, April 10, 2014
one year
So part of the reason I stopped writing this was that about a year ago I got rapped.
I let a man into my house, into the apartment I was so proud of, and we fucked, we fucked for hours. and it was amazing right up until it wasn't.
we had been drinking, and playing video games, and having sex for almost 4 hours, and I wanted to go to bed. I was tired, and kinda done. He it turns out was not.
I've never really liked anal, My first "MASTER" used raw no lube anal to punish me, and it turned into a trigger, normal doggy style anal could give me a panic attack. I had worked on it for my ex husband as it was something he had really liked and it was important to me to try to give him the things that made him happy but i never really liked it. it always hurt, even with LOTS of GOOD lube it hurt. And it is the only kind of sex I am unable to get off from. After my ex and I split up I decided that I didn't want to do it again and it is one of the first things i tell men i might be about to fuck "I'll do almost anything but NO ANAL" if they push and want it i tell them no and why no.
the why is because after fooling around for hours, I told him I was done and he said no, he wasn't. and if he wasn't I wasn't. he wanted anal. I said no. lots of bruises and marks and threats later there I was bent over on my bed in tears begging him not to do this to me, that I would do anything if he would just not do this. no luck. it hurt, he damaged me, inside and out on my body and also in my mind. but the worst part was him curling up in bed with my broken body and slapping me until I cuddled with him. Forcing me to kiss him and tell him goodnight. making me hold him, or let him hold me for 5 more hours. and every time I moved to get off the bed it woke him up, and that started the petting and pinching over again.
the next day I laid in bed in shock. I was running on autopilot. the day after that my friends made me go to the cops. honestly I didnt want to, I wanted to just curl up and sleep until my brain stopped.
but ya cops. they found him, the arrested him, but the DA said we would never get a jury to convict. not here in Nevada.
I started having nightmares, then Panic attacks.
I went to a DR. yep I have PTSD. I panic, and I freak out. my brain is not always a happy place.
Anal and anything anal related is now a trigger for me.
and i have the hardest time kissing people. being pinned down and kissed makes me feel like i'm going to puke and it sucks.
there are a few people who seem to be able to slip pass that. I wont put their names here for their sake. but they know who they are.
So ya... one of the reasons I didn't post for almost a year
I let a man into my house, into the apartment I was so proud of, and we fucked, we fucked for hours. and it was amazing right up until it wasn't.
we had been drinking, and playing video games, and having sex for almost 4 hours, and I wanted to go to bed. I was tired, and kinda done. He it turns out was not.
I've never really liked anal, My first "MASTER" used raw no lube anal to punish me, and it turned into a trigger, normal doggy style anal could give me a panic attack. I had worked on it for my ex husband as it was something he had really liked and it was important to me to try to give him the things that made him happy but i never really liked it. it always hurt, even with LOTS of GOOD lube it hurt. And it is the only kind of sex I am unable to get off from. After my ex and I split up I decided that I didn't want to do it again and it is one of the first things i tell men i might be about to fuck "I'll do almost anything but NO ANAL" if they push and want it i tell them no and why no.
the why is because after fooling around for hours, I told him I was done and he said no, he wasn't. and if he wasn't I wasn't. he wanted anal. I said no. lots of bruises and marks and threats later there I was bent over on my bed in tears begging him not to do this to me, that I would do anything if he would just not do this. no luck. it hurt, he damaged me, inside and out on my body and also in my mind. but the worst part was him curling up in bed with my broken body and slapping me until I cuddled with him. Forcing me to kiss him and tell him goodnight. making me hold him, or let him hold me for 5 more hours. and every time I moved to get off the bed it woke him up, and that started the petting and pinching over again.
the next day I laid in bed in shock. I was running on autopilot. the day after that my friends made me go to the cops. honestly I didnt want to, I wanted to just curl up and sleep until my brain stopped.
but ya cops. they found him, the arrested him, but the DA said we would never get a jury to convict. not here in Nevada.
I started having nightmares, then Panic attacks.
I went to a DR. yep I have PTSD. I panic, and I freak out. my brain is not always a happy place.
Anal and anything anal related is now a trigger for me.
and i have the hardest time kissing people. being pinned down and kissed makes me feel like i'm going to puke and it sucks.
there are a few people who seem to be able to slip pass that. I wont put their names here for their sake. but they know who they are.
So ya... one of the reasons I didn't post for almost a year
More lost blogs
So Its October and I have to say wow, time sure can fly. In one of my last posts I was talking about taking a spin through being Sub again, it didn't work so well. I'm not really all that submissive, I mean dont get me wrong I love to bottom. I love spankings and having my hair pulled, I love dominance games and I love rough play. the hard part is that just because you got to be my Dom on Monday has nothing to do with you being my Dom on Wednesday, at first I thought it was just that I was a brat, and just not meant to really "behave". Yet the more I explored into my fetishes the more I realized that the thought of being someones sub, there slave was distasteful to me.
I became part of a "pack" (a fetish family grouping that is set to resemble a pack of wolves) and thats when it clicked. I'm not a sub or a slave. I am a wolf, a primal player. I love the games (and the bite marks) that come from playing as a wolf. I like Dom men, and I like playing with Dom men, but I like them to be like "SUPER DOM" or at least be ALPHA to me.
I dont take orders well, but I really do like to please... go figure
I became part of a "pack" (a fetish family grouping that is set to resemble a pack of wolves) and thats when it clicked. I'm not a sub or a slave. I am a wolf, a primal player. I love the games (and the bite marks) that come from playing as a wolf. I like Dom men, and I like playing with Dom men, but I like them to be like "SUPER DOM" or at least be ALPHA to me.
I dont take orders well, but I really do like to please... go figure
Pretentious little Prat ~ a new about me
So I went and re read my blog, from the top.
and good fucking goddess I sound like a twit.
but my divorce did a number on me and I was at this off place of wanting a man in my life and hating men.
I dont hate men, ~wicked little smile~ no I dont hate men at all.
I started this blog to help me be a better Domme, but I think I'm going to try to use it to help me be a better person. Because ya, I need to be a better person.
I don't really care if I get lots of readers, because in the end this isn't for you (who ever you are) this is for me. this is so that I can look at myself and know when i'm being a pain, and when i'm being a twit or a prat (or even a cabbage head)
I think I might ramble on here. post bits of my poems, things about my day, random bits of writing. and rants, lets not forget rants.
I'll post some old stuff (things that if you followed me over from fetlife you have already read) and i will post new stuff.
I'll even try to post from my phone
So here is hoping I can do it, that I can share like that... and that I can remember where I put this fucking thing
and good fucking goddess I sound like a twit.
but my divorce did a number on me and I was at this off place of wanting a man in my life and hating men.
I dont hate men, ~wicked little smile~ no I dont hate men at all.
I started this blog to help me be a better Domme, but I think I'm going to try to use it to help me be a better person. Because ya, I need to be a better person.
I don't really care if I get lots of readers, because in the end this isn't for you (who ever you are) this is for me. this is so that I can look at myself and know when i'm being a pain, and when i'm being a twit or a prat (or even a cabbage head)
I think I might ramble on here. post bits of my poems, things about my day, random bits of writing. and rants, lets not forget rants.
I'll post some old stuff (things that if you followed me over from fetlife you have already read) and i will post new stuff.
I'll even try to post from my phone
So here is hoping I can do it, that I can share like that... and that I can remember where I put this fucking thing
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)