The size of the boat

So I hear men say all the time "I wish I had a bigger dick" no you dont, most of you just wish you had a better idea of what to do with the one you have.

so let me share with you a rather personal little back story.

I was young, I cant tell you how young but I think you will get an idea.

I spent more time with boys as a kid than girls, and most of it was that i had no interest in dolls or things like that, I was that hissing wild cat child that you almost couldn't tell was a girl running around with a small pack of mud covered boys.

As I got older, and developed "identifying body features" I got a reputation for being easy. I also got the reputation for being a bitch. Now how you can get called easy when you turn down more guys than you fuck I dont know.

I had more female friends now, not a lot, but some. but my best friends were always male. and I had a habit of sleeping with my closest guy friends. then we come to this. I had a guy friend, he was cute, tall, smart, strong, got good grades, and had every girl in school drooling, but couldn't seem to keep a girlfriend. He broke down and told me 4 girls in a row had dumped him, because they said he was just too big. he had even hurt one girl, I don't think badly but it almost shattered him. He thought he was a freak, and hated himself. he had even had an older woman tell him it was to big and she didn't want anything to do with it.

I wanted to make him feel better, i wanted to give him back some piece of himself that was gone. so we got drunk one night after school and i started to come on to him, hard, teasing him, sitting in his lap, wiggling my hips until i could feel what felt like a soda can in his pants. At my look of shock he almost started to cry. He told me about everything all the girls, all the rejection, everything.
what else could I do. I kissed him, told him I wasn't scared, took his hand and headed for an empty bedroom.

he was as big around as my wrist and 9 in long. I was terrified but i didn't let him see that. I took it slow, showed him everything i had learned about how to make a girl wet and ready, every trick i had i showed him. Then I made myself take all of it, and it hurt, I got rips, and I have a nifty scar from it, but to see his eyes light up was worth it. The moment he saw the blood he wanted to stop, but i didn't let him, i told him just keep going. I would not be another girl to add pain to his life. and oh goddess was it worth it, to see his face in that moment when I started to enjoy it, when that huge full feeling started to feel good was one of the best moments of his life.

I love the big boys, and you know what for all your big talk, most of you know how he felt, and most of you have a soft spot for the first girl who really wanted and enjoyed you

I kinda suck

This is not just a cry for "pet me and tell me i'm ok" this is a warning too... I fail at talking to people

I have realized that when I am "up front" with people about how much I suck they think I'm kidding, or worse they think they can "fix" me. lets get this straight, I SUCK, I suck ass at starting a conversation, I suck at showing when I care, and most of all I suck at dealing with people that I care about. the only time I'm good with people is if I'm trying to "sell" them something. I work a good con, I can talk dam near anyone into dam near anything. I work really hard not to con the people I love, but then I dont know how to act.
I'm such a bold face, and such a loud personality that people dont notice how quiet I am when I'm not on "stage". It leads to a habit of ending up with people who take advantage of me. I am so desperate for someone to really see me that i fall in love with men who are just really good at playing the same game I play.

If I flirt with you, I may text you everyday, but normally it will be after you text me first.
If I want to fuck you, and I think you want to fuck me, I might text you first 3 or so times a week, and it will almost always look like this "sup sexy" or "hey you, whats up"
If I date you, I will text you first like once a week, but I will think about you all the time, and I will always have little gifts for you, or will always want you to come over.

I always feel like I'm bothering people when I text or message them, so i almost never do. I went a long time with no phone so sometimes I forget that it works 2 ways. I forget that I can reach out with it. and I forget that people might want to hear from me as bad as I want to hear from them. (see i suck)

I will poke you on facebook, I'll like your pictures, but I have the hardest time opening chat and messaging you.

I'll tell you I hate to cuddle.I dont hate to cuddle, I just know how to do it. I've honest to Goddess never cuddled if it wasn't leading to sex or sleep.

If I text you at midnight its cuz I'm depressed and I want someone to come hold my hand. and if I have texted you at midnight and asked you to come over, no matter how much "joke" I put into it, it was/is my last grasp at something normal, something not drunk, not depressed, and not slowly going fucking crazy. and I can never explain to you how hard it was to pick up and text those few simple words.

"hey wanna come hangout? I can't sleep" really means "help me remember what it feels like to be human, I need to feel skin before I lose my mind"
and if i text you and really say that i need you "i could really use some company, its been a hard day" thats a huge SOS message, and the prof that you are on the inner circle of my friends, and that you are someone that I trust, truly trust.

Cold

I have been called cold and unloving by more than one ex, and it was starting to bother me.
I am not cold, and I am not unloving. I love deeply and with all of my heart. I also love quick, and without holding back. I am so starved for affection that i start to fall in love with the first person who shows a true desire to know me and care for me.
but I have been told so often that I am cold that I have started to believe it, So i have asked friends, and ex lovers, and sometimes lovers, and everything in between if they think I am cold.
this was the first answer I got

His_Pagan_Angel:
"You are not a cold person. You are not a heartless man eater devoid of all emotion. You burn when you feel upset or wronged by someone it just burns like dry ice. You are openly affectionate with those that you love. When you cook for someone, let them drink your pepsi, hug someone or sit close to them you are showing your affection. Your affection shows itself so slightly that if you don't know you that well you'll miss it and if someone doesn't care enough to really see that when you do these things you do it out of care and affection then they don't deserve you or really know how to love you. You are one of the most affectionate people I know, it's just not the norm of affection. Too long have you gone without physical affection that you no longer know how to give it really, that you feel more comfortable showing it in more domestic subtle ways. Which is why I love you. Which I why I will always love you. Which is why I know that you will find the person who sees what a beautiful, warm, caring person you truly are."

I'll tell you I hate to cuddle.I dont hate to cuddle, I just know how to do it. I've honest to Goddess never cuddled if it wasn't leading to sex or sleep.
I will tell you I HATE valentines day, that it is stupid, but the truth is i have never had a valentine, no one who wasn't not family has ever gotten me flowers or other valentines treats. my husband would take me to dinner but only because he felt like he had to.

now please if you think i'm cold please tell me, and tell me why

if you think i'm not tell me that too

Random 2

I saw this a few months ago and i really liked it, thought i should share it here for anyone who missed it

http://nessbow.com/2009/10/13/the-addams-family-the…

The Addams Family: The most well-adjusted family on television?
addams family, family, inspiration, romance
I was watching an interview today with the four remaining members of the original Addams Family. It was very entertaining, and I especially liked the comment made by John Astin (who played the original Gomez Addams) that at the time, the Addams Family were probably the best role models on television. When I thought about it, I realised that he was right. In the age of the Brady Bunch, the Beverly Hilbillies and Lost in Space, the Addams’ clan provided more positive family messages than most programs at the time. Don’t believe me? Read on…

Gomez and Morticia

Gomez and Morticia Addams have always been portrayed as a loving, romantic couple. They spend a great deal of time alone with one another, and aren’t afraid to show their affection in front of others. John Astin passed comment that Gomez and Morticia were the only couple on TV at the time who actually touched one another, and contrasts them with the tepid, polite partnership seen between Mike and Carol Brady. He remarks that “You can see how it would come to be that Gomez and Morticia would actually have children”, and that every other couple on TV at the time seemed to have found their children in the cabbage patch. Another positive thing about Gomez and Morticia’s relationship is that, while they often compete against one another, in fencing, chess and other persuits, they rarely keep score and never seem to argue with one another. Also, despite spending plenty of time together, Gomez and Morticia also have their own interests and hobbies that they indulge separately. Morticia loves gardening, music and the dark arts, whereas Gomez prefers reading, cigars and model trains. They respect one another’s space and show interest in eachother’s pursuits. Overall, the two senior Addams’ complement one another perfectly, and have a well-rounded, affectionate relationship that is neither tepid nor co-dependent.

Sibling rivalry?

While Wednesday and Pugsly do like to play pranks on one another, they generally get along quite well. They often help one another with projects and work well together. Although Wednesday is often seen to commit acts that could be dangerous to her brother’s life (such as strapping him into an electric chair or shooting an apple off his head with a bow and arrow), it would appear that she does these things out of curiosity, rather than a desire to harm Pugsly. The Addams siblings seem to view one another as accomplices, rather than rivals. This can be contrasted with the sharp rivalries and bitterness exhibited by the Brady siblings, particularly Jan and Marcia.

Extended family.

The Addams clan had two members of their extended family who shared their home: Uncle Fester and Grandmama. Each of these older relatives were usually treated with respect and kindness. The Addams’ children often go to Uncle Fester for advice and generally look up to him as a source of important information (such as knowledge about various explosives). Grandmama is the unofficial matriarch of the family, and is treated kindly and respectfully by all. This is quite different to the treatment of extended family members in other programs, who tend to be portrayed as doddering or irritating.

Treatment of house staff

The Addam’s had a butler, Lurch, who was always treated as though he was one of the family. He was often seen to participate in family activities, and appears to be a close friend and confidante of Gomez and Fester especially. The children were always kind to Lurch, and never forgot their manners when speaking to him. Lurch was always treated as a human being and friend rather than as hired help (although whether or not Lurch is human is debatable).

Pets

The family had a wide range of pets, all of whom were well cared for and greatly loved by all members of the family. Morticia took great pains to prepare meals for her carnivorous plant, Cleopatra, and Wednesday rarely let her spider, Homer, out of her sight. Pugsly also had an octopus named Aristotle and the family had a lion named Kitty Cat. Thing is a pet of Gomez’s from his childhood. This empathy for all creatures great and small (and slimy, and hairy) sends out a very positive message.

Just be yourself.

The overarching message that I draw from the Addams Family is that you should always be happy with who you are, and you should never tone down your own personality to please anybody else. The Addam’s were as weird and strange as they come, and yet, they were totally oblivious to this fact. They didn’t seem to care that none of their neighbours enjoyed playing with instruments of torture or traipsing through a swamp. Furthermore, they never persecuted any of their ‘normal’ guests for being different, but rather accepted them for who they were.

There are an awful lot of positive messages embedded within this classic program. Rather than sitting kids down in front of Dora the Explorer (who is always wandering around unsupervised) and In The Night Garden (who frankly act like they are all on crack), buy them a copy of the Addams family DVDs and sit down and enjoy them together without a speck of guilt.

Dance

my heart dancing fast, a throb of drums, a clash of cymbals. the beat something foreign, fast paced and intoxicating. bringing to mind the heat of a desert sun and the smell of spices.
My heart dances a fast spinning dance, moving faster an faster. A whirling fire dance of exotic dreams and fired love. a dance that burns the ground below it.
Exotic
Fire
my poor mind races, stumbling, unable to keep up. tripping over the beat, burning in the desert sun and choking on the spices. it can not join the dance.
slower still my mouth, unable to find the words that sing to the song that lends itself to the dance. my mouth and my mind can not hold the beat, can not join the dance.
but still my hands clap to the beat, my feet move to a song the world cannot even hear.
and the beat that moves me, that makes my body sing, that beat is you.

a glimpse into my day

I wake up to my roommate slipping into my room with "our" (really her, but you'll see) new baby. I nod and say ya I'm awake and she lays Ria in my arms and leaves, on her way to work. I hear the other kids get ready for school and out the door they go. only then do I get up. I take my phone, my pillow, some days I take my fuzzy, the baby, and anything else that sounds good and go into my roommates room (her TV has cable) I pick a show and settle in for the morning.
this is all by 9am
I make a bottle, and if Ria is sleeping well, do some cleaning or cooking, if she is sleeping like the dead and I'm not broke we walk to the store and get some exercise.
I feed me, feed her, feed the animals (of which we have LOTS) and get a lunch ready for her mom
I watch some TV, I cuddle with the newborn/one month old baby
and I text, or at least I return texts (there will be more about that in a later post)
Fridays are my favorite, I get paid, and for the last few weeks its been a supernatural marathon day.
1pm
then J comes home for her lunch and feeds the baby, I get her lunch and a drink, we talk and laugh and she goes back to work
2pm ish
as the baby sleeps I plan dinner, watch TV, and by now I have gone and gotten my laptop so that I can look something up
4pm ish
the kids come home, we talk (in a whisper) about homework, how was school, and what I need them to do in the house before they can get on the ps3
530pm ish
J comes home, I make dinner, and we laugh and talk like a family. we watch TV together and make fun of it, or we put on odd songs and dance in the kitchen
in fact we did the dancing bit tonight :D

Its a good life
I work weekends, but my weekdays are spent loving on and being loved by a family

Poem 4

I want to fall in love,
I dont want to learn to love you,
I want love like fire burning me up

I want to fall in love,
I dont want to teach myself to you love you,
I want a love like poison eating me alive

I want to fall in love,
I dont want to sit and talk myself in to loving you,
I want a love that overwhelms me

I want to fall in love,
I dont want to love you because I think I should,
I want to love even though I know I should not.

I want to fall in love
I dont want to love because you are good for me,
I want a love like an addiction

I want to fall
I want to fall
I want to fall in love

Love like fire
Love like poison
Love like lightning
Love like a drug

I want to fall in love like Cleopatra and Mark Antony
I want to fall in love like Lancelot and Guinevere
I want to fall in love like Tristan and Isolde
I want to fall in love like Paris and Helena
I want to fall in love like Napoleon and Josephine

A love that burns the world

COOKIES

I want these.... I really really do. I want someone to make these for me lol

Gooey S’mores Cookies

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/3 cups flour
3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs (7 full graham cracker sheets)
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup Mini Hershey’s Kisses (or chocolate chips/chunks)
1 cup Jet Puffed Mallow Bits
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper and spray with cooking spray. Using a mixer, cream the butter and sugars until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add the egg and vanilla and beat for an additional 2 minutes.
Meanwhile, use a food processor or blender to crush 7 graham cracker sheets into 3/4 cup fine crumbs. In a separate bowl, whisk together the graham cracker crumbs, flour, baking powder, and salt. Slowly add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients, and mix on low speed until the dough just comes together. Add the chocolate and marshmallows and stir to combine.
Place 1.5 tablespoon sized scoops of dough onto the prepared cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes.
Makes 2 dozen cookies.

Read more at http://www.kevinandamanda.com/recipes/dessert/gooey…

Not Mine, but meaningful

I was in the winter of my life- and the men I met along the road were my
only summer. At night I fell sleep with visions of myself dancing and
laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an
endless world tour and my memories of them were the only things that
sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was a singer, not very
popular one, I once has dreams of becoming a beautiful poet- but upon an
unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a
million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again-
sparkling and broken. But I didn't really mind it because I knew that it
takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what
true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had
been living- they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who
have a home, they have no idea what its like to seek safety in other
people, for home to be wherever you lie your head.

I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me that I had a chameleon
soul. No moral compass pointing me due north, no fixed personality. Just an
inner indecisiveness that was as wide and unwavering as the ocean. And if I
said that I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying- because I
was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one- who belonged to
everyone, who had nothing- who wanted everything with a fire for every
experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that
I couldn't even talk about- and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness
that both dazzled and dizzied me.

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people- and finally I did- on
the open road. We have nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired
anymore- except to make our lives into a work of art.

Live fast. Die young. Be wild. Have fun.

I believe in the country America used to be. I believe in the person I want
to become, I believe in the freedom of the open road. And my motto is the
same as ever:

“I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I’m at war with myself, I
Ride. I Just Ride.”

Who are you? Are you in touch with all your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you’re free to experience them?
I Have.
I Am Fucking Crazy. But I Am Free.

"Lana Del Rey--Ride"

Random story

just a little story
years ago a girl stood in the rain her arms wrapped around a man that she was madly in love with and just a little scared of. he kissed her, tipping her face up into the rain, his lips tender and sweet. they looked into each others eyes and smiled before running for shelter from the storm. they found a yet unfinished house. they explored the house, talking about what it would be like when it was done. they climbed the stairs hand in hand, his fingers warm around hers. they walked into what would be the master bedroom and in the middle of the room was a bed high stack of sheet wood covered with an old moving blanket. he looked at her and smiled. "come lay with me, lets get warm" she curled into his arms with a smile and a laugh, kissing him as they sank onto the platform. lightning flashed and she tried not to scream, her fear of lightning even overpowering her love of him for a moment. he kissed her holding her tight begging her to let him distract her from her fear. right then to the sound of the rain with the taste of his kiss still on her lips she prayed

"Dear Powers, Please let me keep this man in my life, let me always be able to bask in his smile, let me love him forever. I'll do anything, i just can not picture my life without him in it"

he leaned in and kissed her, she whispered "i love you" into his lips right as the thunder crashed. he never heard her. so she told him she loved him with every gasp, every fevered kiss, every inch of her skin on his. As her nails painted her love down his back a little voice whispered in her head

"you shalt have just what you asked for, exactly what you asked for"

three days later, just as the mark of her lips started to fade off his neck, he met the woman who ended up being his wife. He still came to the girl but something had changed, he stopped holding her hand, and the kisses that had been so tender to chase away her fear were now only an opening to something purely sexual. his arms that had once offered a safe haven from the world were now cold. yet her love grew, and no mater why, how, or what they fought about he never really left. after every fight she would cry and swear she would never let him come back, but a few weeks, a few months, and once even a few years and he would be back. his sideways smile melting her heart over and over again.
They grew, he married that woman and the girl tried her best to be a friend to the wife and to him. The girl fell in love got married and tried to move on, yet her heart was always looking for him. he had a child, a sweet little girl who smiled like her dad. the girl had a child just one year later, a little boy that made her smile, and forget him for a while. the girl got married and tried to live her life, tried to love the man she was with yet her heart yearned for another. his marriage ended and he turned to the girl who had always loved him and he rested in her arms for just a moment then he was gone again. she went on with life, and when her marriage ended she looked for him, to rest in his arms but he was gone. and she waited because he was never gone for to long. the girls friend shook there heads thinking she was crazy to have waited like this for a man that never seemed to love her in return. she just smiled, and when he walked into her house with the sideways smile she lit up like she always had, because she loved him, as she always had, and always would. even if he didnt stay she would still love him

the moral of the story, be careful what you ask for..

Looking

I am looking for love, I've realized that. and in the last year I have been blessed with some really cool, very nice, very loving guys.
Today i am filled with doubts, in the last few years I have lost a few good men
*My husband, who put up with my crap, and loved me in his own way for 4 years
*Kev, who was willing to drop everything to be with me and help me
*BF, who stepped up to help me re explore my submissive and brat sides all the time giving me everything he had to give
*H, who started to show me that I can be wanted for whats in my head, not whats in my pants
*Bosten, who reminded me who and what I was in High School, and what that was like.
*And others, :(

intentionally or unintentionally I pushed all of these men away. now I cant say that it might not have been a good thing, as I have to believe that things happen for a reason. I have to believe that the goddess moves one person out of my life with the intent to helping me find something better.

Still that knowledge doesn't really keep the bed warm or help pet away the nightmares when they come.
I'm looking for love, real makes your heart flutter and your toes curl love.
I want something like my grandparents have, something deep.
a little selfishly I want to be the center of someones world. I want to be the reason they wake up with a smile.
I want a family, and a home, I dont think thats to much to ask

Poem 3

Pressed against the glass,
Starving just a few feet from your love

your unfeeling heart imprisons me

This is my curse,
To hold so tight to something so empty

careless eyes to blind to see

My heartbeat echos in this little room,
Sound of the drum lost in my ears

Empty words an iron cage

Fear running out,
to gone to save cant get through to you

Broken heart bleeding rage

Falling hard
still no net to save me

Trapped by love burned by your fire

I toss and turn but still no sleep,
Trapped in my unending nightmare

Trap of love snared by desire

ENFJ

So I was told that this is/can be me in a nutshell.... I dont fucking know

ENFJ
Extravert(78%) iNtuitive(38%) iNtuitive Feeling(25%) Judging(11%)
•You have strong preference of Extraversion over Introversion (78%)
•You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (38%)
•You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (25%)
•You have slight preference of Judging over Perceiving (11%)

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"
This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!
Functional Analysis:

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. In the sway of this rational function, these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.
Introverted iNtuition
Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. In less balanced individuals, such mitigation of the unseemly eventually undermines the ENFJ's integrity and frequently their good name. In healthier individuals, deft use of this awareness of the inner needs and desires of others enables this astute type to win friends, influence people, and avoid compromising entanglements.
The dynamic nature of their intuition moves ENFJs from one project to another with the assurance that the next one will be perfect, or much more nearly so than the last. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.

Extraverted Sensing
Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. These data have, however, a magical flexible quality. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell. (We are not certain, but we suspect that such is the influence of the primary function.) This wavering of sensory perception is made possible by the weaker and less mature status with which the tertiary is endowed.
Introverted Thinking
Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Other scenarios can be shown invalid or at best significantly inferior. Such "Thinking in the service of Feeling" has the appearance of logic, but somehow it never quite adds up.
Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. David's lengthiest psalm, 119, pays it homage. "Law," "precept," "commandment," "statute:" these essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.
~~
The Giver

As an ENFJ, you're primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.

Because ENFJ's people skills are so extraordinary, they have the ability to make people do exactly what they want them to do. They get under people's skins and get the reactions that they are seeking. ENFJ's motives are usually unselfish, but ENFJs who have developed less than ideally have been known to use their power over people to manipulate them.

ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives with activities involving other people. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJs have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused on being responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs.

The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people. This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not reveal their true selves.

People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest. Usually ENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things. They are generally bright, full of potential, energetic and fast-paced. They are usually good at anything which captures their interest.

ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity. They have a tendency to be fussy, especially with their home environments.

In the work place, ENFJs do well in positions where they deal with people. They are naturals for the social committee. Their uncanny ability to understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happy makes them naturals for counseling. They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching.

ENFJs do not like dealing with impersonal reasoning. They don't understand or appreciate its merit, and will be unhappy in situations where they're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a human element. Living in the world of people possibilities, they enjoy their plans more than their achievements. They get excited about possibilities for the future, but may become easily bored and restless with the present.

ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.

ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.

An ENFJ who has not developed their Feeling side may have difficulty making good decisions, and may rely heavily on other people in decision-making processes. If they have not developed their Intuition, they may not be able to see possibilities, and will judge things too quickly based on established value systems or social rules, without really understanding the current situation. An ENFJ who has not found their place in the world is likely to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and to have the tendency to worry excessively and feel guilty. They are also likely to be very manipulative and controling with others.

In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Extraverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Introverted Intuition
Tertiary: Extraverted Sensing
Inferior: Introverted Thinking

~~~
ENFJ Relationships

ENFJs put a lot of effort and enthusiasm into their relationships. To some extent, the ENFJ defines themself by the closeness and authenticity of their personal relationships, and are therefore highly invested in the business of relationships. They have very good people skills, and are affectionate and considerate. They are warmly affirming and nurturing. The excel at bringing out the best in others, and warmly supporting them. They want responding affirmation from their relationships, although they have a problem asking for it. When a situation calls for it, the ENFJ will become very sharp and critical. After having made their point, they will return to their natural, warm selves. They may have a tendency to "smother" their loved ones, but are generally highly valued for their genuine warmth and caring natures.

ENFJ Strengths

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

Good verbal communication skills
Very perceptive about people's thoughts and motives
Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others
Warmly affectionate and affirming
Fun to be with - lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic
Good money skills
Able to "move on" after a love relationship has failed (although they blame themselves)
Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
Strive for "win-win" situations
Driven to meet other's needs

ENFJ Weaknesses

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationships issues:

Tendency to be smothering and over-protective
Tendency to be controling and/or manipulative
Don't pay enough attention to their own needs
Tend to be critical of opinions and attitudes which don't match their own
Sometimes unaware of social appropriateness or protocol
Extremely sensitive to conflict, with a tendency to sweep things under the rug as an avoidance tactic
Tendency to blame themselves when things go wrong, and not give themselves credit when things go right
Their sharply defined value systems make them unbending in some areas
They may be so attuned to what is socially accepted or expected that they're unable to assess whether something is "right" or "wrong" outside of what their social circle expects.

ENFJs as Lovers

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

ENFJs make warm, committed lovers who are willing to go to great lengths for the sake of "The Relationship". They're totally dedicated to the relationship, and to their partner, and have a special skill for warmth and affirmation which brings out the best in their mates. They take their commitments seriously, and are likely to put forth a lot of effort into making a relationship work once they have commited themselves to it. In the event that a relationship fails, the ENFJ will feel a lot of guilt, and take on blame for the failure, but they will move on with their lives with relative ease, without looking backwards.

Since relationships are central to the ENFJ's life, they will be very "hands on" and involved with their intimate relationships. They may be in the habit of constantly asking their partner how they're doing, what they're feeling, etc. This behavior may be a bit smothering, but it also supports a strong awareness of the health (or illness) of the relationship.

Sexually, the ENFJ looks forward to intimacy as an opportunity to express love and caring. The ENFJ is generally very interested in the happiness and satisfaction of their partner. Because they achieve much of their personal satisfaction from making others happy, they're likely to be skilled lovers. Like other Judgers, the ENFJ is likely to follow a schedule for intimacy, and may be prone to becoming routinized. For the ENFJ, the most important aspect of a sexual encounter is the affirmation of love and affection.

Although the ENFJ will probably not ask for it, they need to be given sweet words and loving affirmation. Since they are so externally focused on serving people, they do not always pay attention to their own needs. Since much of their personal satisfaction comes from bringing happiness to others, they're able to ignore their own needs and still be happy much more easily than other types. However, if they focus entirely on giving without doing some taking, they may find themselves in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. They need to work on being aware of their needs, and being OK with verbalizing those needs to their partners.

A problem area for ENFJs in relationships is their very serious dislike of conflict. ENFJs will prefer to brush issues under the rug rather than confront them head-on, if there is likely to be a conflict. They are also likely to "give in" easily in conflict situations, just to end the conflict. They might agree to something which goes against their values just to end the uncomfortable situation. In such cases, the problem is extended and will return at a later time. The ENFJ needs to realize that the world will not end if there is a disagreement, and that dealing with things immediately initiates closure. Ignoring issues will not make them go away.

In general, the ENFJ is intensely and enthusiastically involved in their personal relationships. They bring fun and warmth into the equation, and are willing to work hard to make things work.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENFJ's natural partner is the INFP, or the ISFP. ENFJ's dominant function of Extraverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Introverted Feeling. An ENFJ and INFP are ideally matched, because they share the Intuitive way of looking at the world, but the ENFJ and ISFP are also a very good match. How did we arrive at this?

Erotic Short 1

Sitting at my desk nerves this is my first big job and I may already be in trouble . I told them this was my first job and that I had never even had a typing class so what do they do they make me the under secretary for the CEO. My typing sucks, no really it sucks. I’m staring at my computer my hands smoothing my skirt. I take a minute to look at myself in the floor to ceiling mirror he keeps in the outer office. Well at least I look the part, though getting my work close almost put me into debt. My black silk skirt suit shining in the light you almost can’t see the pale pink pin stripes that match my nice pink shirt. So what is the skirt is a bit short for a work. And so what if the neck line is really rather low for work. I can see the mounds of my creamy breasts framed by the pink my black bra darkening the shirt in a very sexy manner. Looking at myself like this is making my horny and that’s making me remember what I don’t have on under my outfit and why. I had stayed at my boyfriend’s house the night before and had remembered to pack a clean suit for today but not clean panties so rather than do the same ones twice I was going without today and when my boyfriend noticed that well he just had to fill my cunt with spunk. So I got to ride the subway all the way to work reeking of sex. Work, dam then my mood heads south again remembering how my Boss the fucking CEO of all of GEN-CO wants to see me after his lunch today for a revue and that I should take a long lunch in office today. I was so worried that I had to retype my memo’s three times. I look at the mirror again to make sure my hair is ok then decide to go to the ladies room so I can fix it and my makeup. I stand showing me that my skirt might really be too short for this type of job if it was one inch shorter you would be able to see my thigh highs and the strings on my garter belt. Though between the skirt, the thigh highs, and my four and a half inch heels my legs look amazing. I walk to the ladies room to fix my hair smoothing it back into its bun knowing that it’s the kind of bun that just begs a man to take it down. Taking off my glasses I reapply my little bit of eye shadow just a bit of shiny brown to make my eyes look bigger. Walking here and my thighs rubbing together made me wet so I slip into the stall pulling up my skirt to rub my swollen clit twisting it till I can feel myself about to cum. I cover my mouth so I can muffle my moans as I cum hearing it splash into the water below me. I take a deep breath and stand up, fixing my skirt walking out to wash my hands before going back to the office. I sit back in my chair behind my desk open my computer and in walks my boss from his office.
“Miss LaRue will you please step into my office.” His voice is nice, sounding almost foreign. I want to say he sounds like he’s from Australia but I'm not sure. Wherever he’s from he’s sexy. His eyes are stunning blue and they seem to cut right into you.
“Yes Sir.” I stand up and walk into his office as he closes the door behind me. It clicks closed with a rather sinister snap.
“Now Miss LaRue do you know why I call you in here today?” he asks me as he walks to his desk passing so close to me closes than I think he needs to in a room this big.
“yes Sir. At least I think so Sir.” I’m nerves and frantically trying to think of a way to save my job so I’m stuttering and stalling for time.
“You think so girl? How can you only think so when you have been told, what is it three times now about your typing? Do you want this job or not?” his eyes are getting dark looking at me I’m not sure I know what he means but of course I want to keep my job.
“yes Sir, I love this job I’d do anything to keep it.”
His eyes light up and he stands, his navy suit catching the light from the wall of windows. It bounces of his gold tie bar on his dark blue tie. Wow he really is a good looking man. He starts to pace, looking at me as he walks I can tell he’s thinking. I look at his desk there’s a file folder open on it, I’m trying to read it upside down but it’s hard. I take another step forwards and I can see it has got my name on the top, I thinks it’s my background report. He stops and turns to me looking at me with a strange look in his eyes.
“Anything to keep your job? What if I can offer you a better one? What if I can offer you a job where you get to dress up like this and come sit at a desk in my office all day but you don’t really do anything and you still get paid what you get now?”
“Sir? What do you mean? How could you pay me if I didn’t do anything? And why would my desk be in here?” but I know what he means. I’ve seen how he looks at me, that’s one of the reasons I dress the way I do. After all he’s so good looking. Before he can say anything else I tell him, “yes, yes I’ll do it. But what exactly will I have to do?”
He starts to smile and its almost an evil smile. “ Before I can promote you to your new job I need to punish you for your typing problems.”
“punish me? What is this grade school? Ok what do I do?”
“follow me.”
He walks over to the couch and sits down patting the seat next to him. I walk over and start to sit as well but at the last second he pulls me so I’m face down on his lap my ass in the air. My skirt rides up showing that I have no panties on, showing my whole ass. He sucks in air as he looks at my ass running a hand over it in an appreciatory manor. He traces one finger down the crack line till he gets to my still damp cunt. Pressing one finger into me slowly feeling how wet I am, how tight I am, how hot I am. My cunt clenches around his finger. I feel his hand leave my ass as his other hand starts to press down on my lower back holding me on his lap. I wiggle in his lap trying to figure out what’s going on.
Whap!! His hand comes down on my ass hard sending a shock all the way from my ass to my head then down to my toes. I yelp trying to jump off his lap but the hand on my back hold me all too well. I’m too short pulled onto his lap like this I can’t touch the ground so I can’t force myself off. He is rubbing my ass in slow circles waiting for me to come back into my head. I look over my shoulder at him shock and pain written large on my face.
“why? What? What did you do that for?” is all I can think of my mind is in shock. My ass is red and throbbing but my cunt is so wet it almost hurts. I don’t know what to do. I look at the door, someone must have heard me right? He starts to smile seeing where I’m looking.
“No one can hear you. This office is completely sound proof. As for why you are getting this spanking it’s as I told you, you are going to be punished for your horrid typing skills.”
Getting, that’s what my mind fixes on. Getting not got, that means this isn't over. As if on cue I feel his hand lift again. He brings it down harder on my ass my body jumping, bucking, the pain all I can feel for a time. Then I can feel it that heat that glow that I get right before I cum. I can feel his fingers on my clit rubbing and pinching working me up and up. I’m almost there, almost there and he stops bringing his hand down on my ass again hard so hard. I scream the pain is like nothing I've ever felt but before I've even finished this scream his fingers are back on my clit rubbing, pushing, pinching, and I'm there. I cum hard on his lap my ass burning from his hand tears dripping down my face. I'm spent I almost don't know what is happening to me. I feel my body moved flipped over on the couch so I'm on my back. My tender ass is pressing into the leather of the couch. I feel his hands on my legs right above my knees pressing them down and out opening me. I open my eyes looking up at him looming over me naked. I start to struggle pulling at my arms only to realize that I'm tied to the couch. Knowing I’m helpless makes me so wet, I look down his body eating him with my eyes. He is just as amazing naked as he is in his suits. He’s not all the way hard as he crawls up my body letting his cock rub right on my cleavage. He pulls my jacket open sending the buttons flying. Pulling at my shirt ripping at it the silk parting under his strong hands like paper. My bra is a front snap so that comes off with ease that god, then my DD breasts are free. He takes his cock and starts to rub it all over and across them sometimes teasingly close to my mouth. I've never wanted to suck a cock like I do now before in my life. All I can think about is sucking him, licking him, having him rub that glorious cock all over me. Then its time, he brings it up to my mouth letting me suck the head into my mouth. I swirl my tongue around it before relaxing and starting to suck trying to get as much of it in my mouth as I can. I can feel him getting hard, taste his precum dripping out of the tip. My cunt is wet I can smell it and his wait on my body is pressing my poor ass into the couch but the pain seem to make it hotter. He pulls away moving back between my thighs his hard cock seeming to strain towards my soaked cunt. He places his hands under my ass digging his fingers into my pain as he lifts my hips so my slit is even with his cock. He pushes forward pressing the tip to my opening, god he’s large. I hadn't noticed how big he was till he was already stretching me, his cock shoving its way into me. My head tips back as he fucks me pounding his way into my dripping cunt, every thrust making the marks on my ass hurt. The pain is mixing into the pleasure till I can't tell where one starts the other ends. He moves one hand to the small of my back holding me up with that hand so that the other is free. He then reaches up pinching one of my nipples cruelly, making me scream. Then his hand is gone again.
Whap! It hits my ass as he is deep in me, landing right on the marks from last time. My cunt clenches and I scream again almost passing out cumming on his cock, drenching him and the couch under us. My body cumming is too much and he shoots too sending his load deep into my twitching slit. He pulls out dropping me on the couch. Landing on my ass makes me moan a bit but my cum has me almost passed out. Watching me gives him an idea and just the thought gets him fully hard again. He come back over to me and flip me over on my stomach, then taking some of the same rope he used to tie my arms he lashes my ankles to my upper thighs then ties my legs apart so that my asshole can be clearly seen. Looking at it gives his cock a twitch pulling out a small bottle of lube he squirts some onto my ass rubbing it in with his thumb. Slowly opening my ass as he rubs the lube in he adds just a little more before replacing his thumb with the head of his cock. He pushes in slowly getting about an inch into me before stopping. Then he lifts his hand and with all his strength brings it down on my ass waking me up with a scream. My body bucks driving him deeper into my ass before I realize what’s going on. He starts to fuck me one hand on the back of my neck to hold me down and he pounds my ass. He’s so big it hurts but the pain feels so good. It’s all mixed up in my head now. He’s almost raping my ass driving into me with a speed and force I had only seen in porn. I can feel another cum coming building growing. And it’s there I'm cumming, my body shaking and twitching around you.

Poem 2

its dirty, I know that.
you take me because it's convenient for you
but I've never asked for more.
my birthday, high on the pain of the new piercings
drunk on sweet wine and the smell of your skin
though so far all I've had was a birthday hug
I push, cornering you
draped in nothing but a silk slip
pressing my self up against your chest
looking up at your lips, knowing how soft, how sweet they can be
full and thick as any other lover I've ever had.
your eyes burn drunk on top shelf poison
brown hair falling in careless waves.
Handsome most would say
but I say beautiful, though I know its the wrong word for a man.
I know how soft your lips, how sweet your skin
I know strong your hands.
I am burning in your arms
hating how you make me react
yes.
yes?
yes.
thank you, but please no pity sex
you take my hand and tell me its never pity
we go down
down to my private hell, where I let you do this to me.
it was just supposed to be letting me blow you
and that is joy to me
since just the taste of your skin can make me high
but I know this and i know you
it never ends there
"I gave you what you want now give me what I want"
for you yes, anything even though the pain almost makes me cry
your body doesn't fit there, at least not with out much more prep than I've had
gasping for air till the pain recedes
my hands and knees raw from the friction
but then
there I feel you and the first glow starts
your hands slip around to grasp my breasts
kneading my DDs into my chest
your hand soft and hash all at once
your breath hot at the back of my neck
I whisper bite me, please
your teeth in my shoulder
and the glow turns into a fire
I burn at your touch
but I am dirty
and the things you have me do are dirty
I hate it but I cant stop it
its done
your hot seed on my pale skin
I feel dirty and used
I wash and sleep
willing myself to forget how you feel inside me
hating how dirty it makes me feel
waiting till I can ask for it again.

Bootycall rant

this is my normal response and may not apply to you is you are super amazing, or are a really good friend, this is more geared to fuck buddy's and NSA sex

I like to tease and push, in sex I almost like to be the man, I want to get off and then be done with you. I want to tease you, tempt you, make you wait and beg, drive you crazy. then when I give in I want you to know that even if you are the Dom you are my piece of ass, my booty call, not the other way around!!

As early as high school, this was how I thought. I am never a booty call, sex is my power and I wield it like a whip or a knife. I love to keep "Dom" men jumping at the end of my string, making them crazy for me, even if i don't want to fuck them. not a very nice thing to do I'm sure but the more real Dom men in my life don't let me do that so it helps me weed out the "wannaDoms" or the men that wont be as much fun.


le sigh

Erotic Short 2

The heat enfolds you, your mouth is dry and the road has been long, but finally you are here. You walk up the white marble stairs to the door, excitement running through your body. As your feet hit the last step the doors are opened by to lovely blond women dressed in short white almost toga looking dresses. They bow showing you into the palace, voices sweet as they say “Welcome my Lord”. You walk in, the cool air of the shadows enveloping you the sound of splashing water and the giggles of women mixing in the air. One of the first women smiles at you her eyes lowered with respect. She asks you to follow her. Your steps ring in these halls the stone floors catching the light of the lamps making the marble seem to glow. She leads you to a door which also opens right before you get to it. You step inside the room smelling the faint trace of roses and vanilla. It is a stunning room rich in silks and pillows. A regal woman sits at a small table in the center of the room. She smiles at you, her long red hair pulled over her shoulder bound with silver cord. “Come sit with me, have a drink; we have been waiting for you”. You sit relaxing into the chair as a slave girl brings you a goblet of chilled sweet wine.
The woman smiles at you a deep sexy inviting smile, but you have been there before and no new lust rises in your body. She looks at you knowing you’re not one for games. “I called you because I have something that might interest you. We have a new girl fresh caught and still a bit wild. I thought you would like to see if she is to your tastes.” You nod anything to pass the time, finishing your wine in one last gulp. She stands and you stand to follow her. Moving back farther down the halls you gaze out the windows into the courtyard seeing some 30 or so women playing in a fountain or lounging in the soft grass the sight of the water drops shining on their skin almost stirs a lust in you. The Lady opens a door and takes you down a flight of steps to a lower level the air is cold and smells almost of dust she leads you to the end of the hall and to a large iron door. She turns to you with a look of disgust “we have her chained in the middle of the room. Be careful she bites.”
She unlocks the door and you step inside “we had her with the rest of the girls but then she attacked one of them and almost damaged her so we had to put her in here. Then after we put her in here she bit one of my older girls so we had to chain her”. You look around the room, the walls are of cold stone as is the floor but there is a table and chair on one wall, a rather nice looking bed on the other and there in the center of the room is a woman her arms pulled tight chained above her. Her head had fallen as far forward as it can fall, her feet barley touching the ground. Her hair is short, the shortest you have ever seen on a woman in this place and a deep dark red. Dust and dirt smear her ivory skin. Her body is young, her hips and breasts full and plump. Her nipples harden with the rush of cold air from the open door. She wakes her head snapping up to look around almost blinded by the light from the doorway. She blinks into the light fighting to see the Madam hisses at her almost cat like, she hasn’t seen you and you start to smile. The woman sneers “we had to almost shave her head to get rid of the dam barbarian braids she had. It has left her feeling rather spirited.”
You step forward into the room and the girl jerks finally seeing you in the darkness. You turn asking the woman when the last time the girl had been feed, when she tells you three or four days you have to hide your rage when you ask for the things you’re going to need. First off the key to the girls chains, a whip, buckets of warm water, a rag, soap, a tray of simple food. At the mention of food the girls’ eyes perk up. The woman leaves letting the door stay open for the light. You start to circle the girl taking a good look at her body seeing the strength in the legs and arms. Three slave girls come running into the room with the things you asked for. The first puts the covered tray on the table and places two lit lanterns in the room she then takes the key from a cord around her neck and hangs it on a nail next to the door. The next slave has four buckets of hot water on a pole over her shoulders and the whip you asked for wrapped around her neck. The last girl has two buckets of warm water and two empty buckets with soap a brush and a few old but clean rags. The girl is watching you carefully as all this moves around the room. You smile softly at her as the slaves leave closing the big door behind them.
You walk to the table and lift the lid on the food finding that skins of water juice and wine have been added as well. Lifting the one of water you walk over to the girl offering her a drink. She opens her mouth so you squirt about a half a mouth full of water into her mouth, that she promptly sprays right back into your face. Wiping your face off with your hand you walk over and grab the whip snapping it into the air to get the feel of it as she shivers and jerks at the sound. Walking behind her you bring the whip down on her back. Over and over you snap the whip down on her back, her chest, her sides watching as the bright red marks start to bloom on her skin. She jerks and twitches trying not to cry out at the pain her noises small. You stop seeing tears running down her face.
You lift one of the buckets of hot water splashing it down over her red skin. Then taking the rag you get it covered in soap and start to rub me down talking softly the whole time. You wash her back first soaping her softly over the marks your whip has left. Telling her that if she is a good girl you won’t have to hurt her anymore telling her that if she’s good you can make her feel very good make her very happy. You move down her back to rub the cloth over her ass getting it covered in soap you move up to her hands washing them and then down her arms. Getting her shoulders and under her arms working your way down her sides before moving to stand facing her. You smile at her as you reach forward to rub the cloth down her face and she jerks like a scared horse. You make little shh-ing noises and you start to wash her face showing amazing skin under all the dirt and crud. You wash down her neck and down over her breasts slowly rubbing the dirt away as her nipples start to get hard. You don’t show any sign that you see them just keep washing down over her belly.
When you get close to her mound you pull back and start to slowly lift one of her legs washing the foot slowly. Washing up her leg bit by bit not missing an inch until you move the rag almost to her mound again. You can feel her heat, her lust starting to grow under your hands. You stop setting that foot down and lifting the other she gives it a little tug as you grasp it as though feeling how strong your grip is. You look up at her and tug back at her leg, starting to wash that one all the way up. As you reach her upper thigh she arches pushing her mound out at you obviously aroused. You turn and rinse the rag out letting her sit in her need for a second. Then with hands and rag freshly soaped you start to rub the skin between her thighs up to her mound teasing her with every stroke. Then you stand grabing a bucket of water you toss it on her washing the suds away from the front of her body taking another bucket he washes the soap off her back. She shivers at the water gone cold.
You walk over to the table and the tray of food lifting the skin of water again you give her a drink, watching as she swallows. You grab the key from the hook by the door and see her eyes light up, thinking of freedom. You unlock the cuffs from the chain letting her drop to her feet. As soon as her feet touch the ground she tries to run only to find her legs unable to hold her weight, she crashes to her knees. You walk over to her grabbing her by the hair you slap her hard across the face knocking her out momentarily. You pick her up tossing her onto the bed. You unlock one of the cuffs treading the bit of chain through the top of the bed.
She lays there on her stomach eyes still shut. You run your hands down her body feeling how soft the skin is, how firm her body is. Running your hands over her plump ass starts to make you hard. You shackle her ankles to the foot of the bed holding her still and just where you want her. You walk over to the table and sink into the chair, lifting the whip you snap it bringing it down on her ass. She wakes with a yelp fighting to get free fighting the bonds. You smile taking a bite of the bread on the tray; your movements remind her that you are there. She looks at you fear in her eyes your handprint bright on her face. You stand bringing a bit of the bread with you. You kneel next to the bed offering it to her. She opens her mouth carefully. You place the bit of bread in her mouth carefully, jerking your fingers back as she tries to bite you. You stand moving back towards the foot of the bed. You sit next to her starting to spank her. Her ass is turning red under your hand, her body bucking as she starts to cry.
Finally silence as she goes limp. She is spent; her face is covered in tears. You are hard as stone as you slip your clothing off letting it pool on the floor next to the bed. You climb up behind her rubbing her glowing ass, letting your hand slip down to rub her soaking slit. Finding her body ready you lean forward pushing into her, driving your cock into her. She screams fighting the chains again as you start to fuck her. Her body fights it as you work yourself in and out of her over and over again. Then without warning her body betrays her clenching you tight in a sudden orgasm making her shake and twitch under you. Her clenching making you feel so much closer but it is the sound of her tears that drive you over the edge, shooting your cum deep into her body. You pull out of her, washing yourself off with some of the now cold water, moving over to the table again you eat a small bit of the food waiting for her to relax. You start to talk telling her about what her life is going to be like with you. How you will care for her as long as she is a good girl and slowly her tears stop and she starts to look at you again. You can see how she stares at your body now with lust in her eyes. You pick up another bit of food moving to give it to her letting her decide if she gets another spanking or not. Around you go with her till the small hours of the morning.
The next morning you walk out of the room with her trailing behind you. Her eyes are lowered. Her steps are small; she is quiet and well behaved. The woman stands at the door shocked at the change in the slave. From a wild and angry barbarian to a well behaved slave girl. This Man truly is a Master of rare form.

Malevolence

I should be in bed right now, I really should. I can feel my sleeping pills dragging at my brain. but am I getting ready for sleep.... nooo... not me, not sleep. Yes Yes I know I have work tomorrow, and I know that it will be a long painful day ( I have torn something in my right knee so it hurts to stand, walk, sit, anything right now and I need to be sleeping before I go do another 7 hour shift standing on my feet...) at work tomorrow. But I wouldn't dream of going to bed right now, because you see a very dear friend (that I don't talk to anywhere near often enough) is online. An if not for him, I would not be on this blog. If it were not for him I would not be on Fetlife. I would not have met all the amazing people I call family and friends right now.

I guess you could say he is the godfather of my happy place. all I know is that he is an amazing guy who even though he has never met me in person cares about me. He has never held my hand but he is still one of my closest friends. He is one of the few men I could see myself really submitting to.

It is one of the cruel twists of the Internet, it can show you so much more about the world, but it can also show you your hearts desire in an unobtainable location. I fell in love with a picture, and a "flavor" of writing, I fell in love with a grainy video chat image and a chat room just for us. He is a good man, and a very good Dom. He is not my Dom but that is only a matter of location.

so this friend is online, and he is telling me about the new rope he got (its pink) and about his girl ( she is sweet, and good to him), and it takes most of my self control not to call him sir in message.

he might read this, and I'm sure when/if he reads this I'm going to get a cyber smack on my ass... not sure I care. its worth it to talk to him :)

~small sleepy smile~
 and if this reads like a bunch of fragmented thoughts go back to the part about sleeping pills and reread that...

Poem 1

Fairy Tale

siting,
waiting,
hoping,
like some girl in a fairytale.
like some princess in a tower,
when did i get so weak,
so small and insecure.
hiding from my light....

I lean out my window,
like a mixed up Rapunzel.
yet i have no hair to hang down,
so how will my prince get up.

wait are there any princes left??
any knights in shining armor,
trying to save the day.
I don't think so.

so i lay here,
in this glass coffin.
That you all so lovingly made for me,
to "keep me safe" you say.
SAFE there is no such thing,
no safe just dead.
Is that why you picked a coffin??

ha let me have my apples,
and then if i die lock me away.
let me dance under the moonlight,
with hair cut off and legs unbound.

let put on my "fake wings",
and try to fly to the sun.
I am not the wicked sister,
do not punish me with your blindness.

Knotted in my hair...short as it is,
I feel you.
Pacing the bottom of my "tower",
May I ask what you hunt??

Thorn studded,
As the roses grow to hide my castle.
Dripping with regret... do you even know that feeling??
As your face ignites within me the memories...

Memories of a me with hope and heart,
memories of faith,
Faith in love,
Faith in you and I....

Of dreams sold to God,
Dreams of you and I,
I think of you,
You burning in the dark,
I remember that there is no love without fire

Fighting all,
All forms of love and Religion
A borderline oasis,
dripping it's safety onto us,
A pearl blushed blasphemy,
as much as love can ever be.

we are just one fall away from grace,
I will whisper secrets from these years
of romances... mine and yours
yours and hers....
it’s still the same.
(a total disgrace)

Am i now snow White,
the light played tricks on the apple in your Hands.
Warmed through by your fingers,
Razor white and poisoned...
As crisp and sharp as cheap champagne Drunk from the bottle by the river.
At midnight...

Midnight, when everything seemed real,
I believed I couldn’t love you.
Do you remember how we lay on that jeweled velvet blanket,
the one god calls life.
I turned to you and smiled,
One last sad smile
Said, "If it glitters, let it fly"
With our dear,
sweet wings,
we’re flying now...

one year

So part of the reason I stopped writing this was that about a year ago I got rapped.
I let a man into my house, into the apartment I was so proud of, and we fucked, we fucked for hours. and it was amazing right up until it wasn't.
we had been drinking, and playing video games, and having sex for almost 4 hours, and I wanted to go to bed. I was tired, and kinda done. He it turns out was not.

I've never really liked anal, My first "MASTER" used raw no lube anal to punish me, and it turned into a trigger, normal doggy style anal could give me a panic attack. I had worked on it for my ex husband as it was something he had really liked and it was  important to me to try to give him the things that made him happy but i never really liked it. it always hurt, even with LOTS of GOOD lube it hurt. And it is the only kind of sex I am unable to get off from. After my ex and I split up I decided that I didn't want to do it again and it is one of the first things i tell men i might be about to fuck "I'll do almost anything but NO ANAL" if they push and want it i tell them no and why no.

the why is because after fooling around for hours, I told him I was done and he said no, he wasn't. and if he wasn't I wasn't. he wanted anal. I said no. lots of bruises and marks and threats later there I was bent over on my bed in tears begging him not to do this to me, that I would do anything if he would just not do this. no luck. it hurt, he damaged me, inside and out on my body and also in my mind. but the worst part was him curling up in bed with my broken body and slapping me until I cuddled with him. Forcing me to kiss him and tell him goodnight. making me hold him, or let him hold me for 5 more hours. and every time I moved to get off the bed it woke him up, and that started the petting and pinching over again.

the next day I laid in bed in shock. I was running on autopilot. the day after that my friends made me go to the cops. honestly I didnt want to, I wanted to just curl up and sleep until my brain stopped.
but ya cops. they found him, the arrested him, but the DA said we would never get a jury to convict. not here in Nevada.
I started having nightmares, then Panic attacks.
I went to a DR. yep I have PTSD. I panic, and I freak out. my brain is not always a happy place.
Anal and anything anal related is now a trigger for me.

and i have the hardest time kissing people. being pinned down and kissed makes me feel like i'm going to puke and it sucks.

there are a few people who seem to be able to slip pass that. I wont put their names here for their sake. but they know who they are.

So ya... one of the reasons I didn't post for almost a year

More lost blogs

So Its October and I have to say wow, time sure can fly. In one of my last posts I was talking about taking a spin through being Sub again, it didn't work so well. I'm not really all that submissive, I mean dont get me wrong I love to bottom. I love spankings and having my hair pulled, I love dominance games and I love rough play. the hard part is that just because you got to be my Dom on Monday has nothing to do with you being my Dom on Wednesday, at first I thought it was just that I was a brat, and just not meant to really "behave". Yet the more I explored into my fetishes the more I realized that the thought of being someones sub, there slave was distasteful to me.
I became part of a "pack" (a fetish family grouping that is set to resemble a pack of wolves) and thats when it clicked. I'm not a sub or a slave. I am a wolf, a primal player. I love the games (and the bite marks) that come from playing as a wolf. I like Dom men, and I like playing with Dom men, but I like them to be like "SUPER DOM" or at least be ALPHA to me.

I dont take orders well, but I really do like to please... go figure

Pretentious little Prat ~ a new about me

So I went and re read my blog, from the top.
and good fucking goddess I sound like a twit.
but my divorce did a number on me and I was at this off place of wanting a man in my life and hating men.
I dont hate men, ~wicked little smile~ no I dont hate men at all.

I started this blog to help me be a better Domme, but I think I'm going to try to use it to help me be a better person. Because ya, I need to be a better person.

I don't really care if I get lots of readers, because in the end this isn't for you (who ever you are) this is for me. this is so that I can look at myself and know when i'm being a pain, and when i'm being a twit or a prat (or even a cabbage head)

I think I might ramble on here. post bits of my poems, things about my day, random bits of writing. and rants, lets not forget rants.

I'll post some old stuff (things that if you followed me over from fetlife you have already read) and i will post new stuff.

I'll even try to post from my phone

So here is hoping I can do it, that I can share like that... and that I can remember where I put this fucking thing